1363: xkcd Phone

2014-05-03T00:37:27Z

Citizencool: /* Added description and link for Whirlpool */

{{comic
| number = 1363
| date = May 2, 2014
| title = xkcd Phone
| image = xkcd_phone.png
| titletext = Presented in partnership with Qualcomm, Craigslist, Whirlpool, Hostess, LifeStyles, and the US Chamber of Commerce. Manufactured on equipment which also processes peanuts. Price includes 2-year Knicks contract. Phone may extinguish nearby birthday candles. If phone ships with Siri, return immediately; do not speak to her and ignore any instructions she gives. Do not remove lead casing. Phone may attract/trap insects; this is normal. Volume adjustable (requires root). If you experience sudden tingling, nausea, or vomiting, perform a factory reset immediately. Do not submerge in water; phone will drown. Exterior may be frictionless. Prolonged use can cause mood swings, short-term memory loss, and seizures. Avert eyes while replacing battery. Under certain circumstances, wireless transmitter may control God.
}}

==Explanation==
This comic is a parody of a multitude of mobile-technology related issues that, when brought together, create a general satire of smartphone advertising. The advertised features here either make previously useful capabilities useless or add features nobody wants. Except for "your mobile world (going) digital", which is old news.

From bottom left, going clockwise:

* '''FlightAware partnership:''' This is a reference to the [http://www.flightaware.com/ FlightAware] flight tracking service. This FlightAware partnership results in the phone playing airplane engine noise whenever a flight passes over the phone's current location, making this an annoying and intrusive feature that no one wants.
* '''Realistic case:''' possibly a joke on various audiovisual devices like gaming consoles that advertise realistic sound, graphics, etc. Of course, applying "realistic" to an actual physical case is ridiculous. Either the case is actually real, or it doesn't actually function as a case.
* '''Clear screen:''' This is a pointless descriptor from the perspective of the consumer. Of course the screen is clear. This joke works in tandem with the previous joke, as a play on "clear case, realistic screen," which are both hypothetically viable selling points.
* '''Side Facing Camera:''' There was a recent controversy surrounding an [https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/spy-cam-peek-i Indiegogo for a surreptitious, side-mounted camera device] for smartphones due to the advertisement of the device as a good way to take creep shots, which are illegal in many places. Widespread dissemination of these devices as a built-in feature would likely result in a sharp increase in delinquency of this nature. May also be an ''ad absurdum'' extension of devices with both forward and backward facing cameras.
* '''Custom blend OS:''' iOS and Android are offered by different conglomerates and run on different kernels. A "custom blend" would probably be a nightmare to work with.
* '''Simulates alternative speed of light:''' This renders the clock useless. The speed of light is roughly 2.99x10<sup>8</sup> meters per second. Relativistic effects, such as time dilation, only occur at significant fractions of the speed of light. Since the phone is simulating a much slower speed of light, driving at highway speeds will cause time dilation. For example, driving at 90mph (90% of the default simulated speed of light) gives a time dilation of about 2.29. So while you are driving at 90mph your clock will run 2.29 times slower than a stationary one. Travelling faster than the simulated speed of light will make the clock run backwards.
* '''Wireless:''' as in cordless phone. This is the bare minimum a phone has to have in order to be a mobile phone, so advertising it as a feature feels dated by decades. Or, perhaps Munroe is implying the entire phone is without wires, in which case it wouldn't function.
* '''Accelerometer screams in free fall:''' Another useless function. Rather than having some sort of feature to prevent breakage or cracking when a drop is detected, the phone just makes you more aware of its potential imminent doom.
* '''When exposed to light, phone says "hi":''' Bait and switch, and also a build from the previous joke. The implied feature is that the screen or camera will automatically adjust, but instead the phone is weirdly anthropomorphized.

The ominous warnings and disclaimers in the title text are probably a reference to the ''Saturday Night Live'' parody ad for {{w|Happy Fun Ball}} ([http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/pictures/50-greatest-saturday-night-live-sketches-of-all-time-20140203/happy-fun-ball-0459912 original video hosted on rollingstone.com]).

* '''Presented in partnership with Qualcomm, Craigslist, Whirlpool, Hostess, LifeStyles, and the US Chamber of Commerce.''' {{w|Qualcomm}} is a semiconductor company that designs and produces chips for mobile phones. [http://whirlpool.com.au Whirlpool] is a prominent Australian tech forum website, originally created for discussion of Australian broadband providers but now extending to cover general tech topics, including mobile phones. The other companies mentioned here have no association with mobile phones.
* '''Manufactured on equipment which also processes peanuts.''' A warning often seen on candy and other foods for people with a peanut allergy. It is highly unlikely that equipment used to produce mobile phones would also process food.
* '''Price includes 2-year Knicks contract.''' Mobile phones are often sold by phone companies in combination with a cell phone plan, but a contract with the {{w|New_York_Knicks|Knicks}} would only appeal to pro basketball players.
* '''Phone may extinguish nearby birthday candles.''' A rather oddly specific capability, which might also be annoying for anyone attempting to host a birthday party. As to how it would do this, a very powerful directional speaker would be able to blow out a nearby candle, but the speakers in mobile phones aren't going to be that big.
* '''If phone ships with Siri, return immediately; do not speak to her and ignore any instructions she gives.''' {{w|Siri}} is a virtual personal assistant application for Apple devices. Not speaking to it and not following its instructions would defeat its purpose. It may suggest that a malevolent "Siri AI" has sneaked itself onto some devices, at the manufacturing stage, for some diabolical purpose. May be a reference to the Companion Cube in the game Portal, in which the player is instructed to disregard it's advice if the cube appears to be animate.
* '''Do not remove lead casing.''' A mobile phone encased in lead would not function because it could not transmit or receive data. Devices that emit high levels of ionizing radiation are often encased in lead, but a phone that would emit that level of radiation would be unhealthy to carry around. If encased in sufficient lead to mitigate the danger, it would be uncomfortably heavy. This might be reference to [https://xkcd.com/925/ xkcd comic no 925: Cell phones] where Randall makes fun of the WHO claiming that cell phones might cause cancer despite huge studies showing the opposite. This could also mean the device is an actual bananaphone as regular phones emit no ionizing radiation ([http://xkcd.com/radiation xkcd Radiation Dose Chart]). Regrettably, the lead casing would render the phone inedible.
* '''Phone may attract/trap insects; this is normal.''' Some plants, like the {{w|Venus_flytrap|Venus flytrap}}, attract and trap insects, but mobile phones are not known to exhibit this behaviour. May be a reference to "crazy ants" which are attracted to electronics.
* '''Volume adjustable (requires root).''' {{w|Android_rooting|Rooting}} is the method to gain privileged access on Android phones. Adjusting the volume should be available to any user and would not be restricted to root access only.
* '''If you experience sudden tingling, nausea, or vomiting, perform a factory reset immediately.''' These symptoms are usually associated with chemical or radiation poisoning. Neither of these would be cured by a {{w|Factory_reset|factory reset}}.
* '''Do not submerge in water; phone will drown.''' Most phones are not waterproof and will probably short-circuit when submerged. Drowning however, would imply that the phone breathes air (which actually would be possible if it had a {{w|Lithium-air_battery|Li-air battery}}).
* '''Exterior may be frictionless.''' The front of a smartphone is usually made of glass and should have a surface with very low friction. The back of a phone is usually made from a material that has higher friction to make it pleasant to hold and to make sure it doesn't slide off objects it is placed on. A completely frictionless surface would make it <s>almost</s> impossible to hold and would make it very susceptible to drops.
* '''Prolonged use can cause mood swings, short-term memory loss, and seizures.''' These are all side effects that are associated with certain kinds of medication or radiation treatment of the brain and would not be acceptable for mobile phones.
* '''Avert eyes while replacing battery.''' Actions that would warrant averting your eyes are usually associated with high-intensity light capable of causing eye damage. Depending on the specific energy source, this may be accompanied by high levels of other types of radiation (e.g. making an {{w|X-ray}} photo). This may hint that the phone might be powered by a radionuclide battery which would explain the lead casing and the possible radiation side effects. A phone that emits X-ray radiation would not be healthy to be around. Alternately, this may be a reference to the {{w|Ark_of_the_Covenant|Ark Of The Covenant}}, implying that gazing upon the battery or the compartment wall behind it is forbidden on pain of severe punishment.
* '''Under certain circumstances, wireless transmitter may control God.''' According to most religions, God (or Gods) are usually in control of us. Gods are usually viewed as not directly controllable.

==Transcript==
:Runs custom blend on Android and iOS
:Side-facing camera
:Simulates alternate speeds of light (default: 100 miles per hour) and adjusts clock as phone accelerates
:Clear screen
:Realistic case
:Wireless
:Accelerometer detects when phone is in free fall and makes it scream
:Flightaware partnership: Makes airplane noise when flights pass overhead
:When exposed to light, phone says "hi!"

:''Introducing''
:'''The xkcd phone'''
:Your mobile world just went digital®

{{comic discussion}}

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1363: xkcd Phone