1707: xkcd Phone 4
|xkcd Phone 4|
Title text: The SpaceX system carefully guides falling phones down to the surface, a process which the phones increasingly often survive without exploding.
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This is another entry in the xkcd Phone series (see 1363: xkcd Phone, 1465: xkcd Phone 2 and 1549: XKCD Phone 3), and once again, the comic plays with many standard tech buzzwords to create a phone that sounds impressive but would actually be very impractical.
From the top, going clockwise:
- 18,000 μAh (micro-Ampere hours) nickel-lithium-iron battery (non-rechargeable) Phone battery capacity is measured in ampere-hours (which thanks to the magic of dimensional analysis, is just an unusual way of denoting electric charge). Usually, the capacity is quoted in milliampere-hours (one-thousandth, or 10^-3, of an ampere hour); however, this one is quoted in microampere-hours (one-millionth, or 10^-6, of an ampere-hour), presumably as a marketing ploy to give a more impressive-looking number. Quoted in more standard terms, this phone's battery capacity is 18 mAh. In comparison, an iPhone 6+ has a battery capacity of 2,750 mAh. This phone's battery is dreadful (under a typical current draw of 0.1A, it would power the phone for about 11 minutes). There is no such thing as a nickel-lithium-iron battery - rather, it's a garbled version of the experimental nickel–lithium battery and the common lithium ion battery (which does not contain any iron). The nickel–iron battery does exist, but it's terrible for most applications. Worse, this battery is non-rechargeable, meaning that it would have to be replaced to use the phone again after it is exhausted.
- Subwoofer - A subwoofer is a large bass speaker. Some phones do have high-quality speakers for playing music, but these are not placed right next to the earpiece - this would be a surefire way to deafen your users.
- "Dog whistle" - A dog whistle is a high-pitched whistle that humans cannot hear, but dogs can.
- Non-porous, washable - On the one hand, it's rare for a phone to be made of porous materials. On the other, there are legitimately waterproof phones that seal the speakers and ports with rubber.
- WebMD partnership: cough-activated feature reads aloud a random diagnosis for "coughing" - WebMD is a website to help people diagnose themselves. For the vast majority of people, a cough just means an irritated throat or maybe a cold, but selecting randomly from all WebMD diagnoses gives some much more ominous - if very unlikely - ones, including ricin poisoning, plague, lung cancer and radiation poisoning.
- Wings - These wings resemble the ones found on sanitary towels (sometimes called "pads", making this a possible iPad pun) which attach the pad to the gusset and keep it in place between the woman's legs during her period.
- Beveled bezel - The bezel is the ring around the edge of watches and screens. This one's beveled, which means it's cut at an angle.
- Bezeled bevel - Punning on the above. Doesn't make much sense, but could mean that it features a beveled edge which is surrounded by a bezel.
- Seedless - Fruit such as grapes can be "seedless", which means that they're grown from a special cultivar that doesn't grow seeds in the normal way. Making a phone seedless probably won't do anything, but it might hurt its random number generator.
- Water resistant down to 30 meters and below 50 - Water resistance is often measured in terms of how deep an object can be submerged, since pressure increases with depth. In this case, the phone can be submerged to almost any depth, but there's an odd lacuna between 30 meters and 50 meters.
- Turing-complete - A computer is Turing complete if it can perform all the operations needed to simulate a Turing machine. All modern computers are usually described as Turing complete, which would make this not very impressive, but no computer can ever be Turing complete in the truest sense (since they can only ever have a finite amount of memory) - if the xkcd Phone 4 is truly a universal computer, it's very impressive indeed.
- Gregorian/Julian calendar date switch - The Julian calendar is the predecessor to the modern Gregorian calendar - the difference is that the two calendars calculate leap years differently. The Julian calendar is still used occasionally - mainly by Eastern Orthodox Christians and astronomers - but it's not something so vital that it needs a hardwired switch on the front of the phone.
- SpaceX impact protection: when dropped, phone lands on barge - The rocket company SpaceX recently trialed a reusable rocket stage which after separating from the launch vehicle, lands on a drone barge to be reused. The alt-text pokes fun at the number of SpaceX rockets that crashed and exploded before they got the landing gear right.
- Parallel port - A parallel port is a type of interface used to connect printers and other devices to computers. It was generally considered obsolete by the time smartphones began to appear on the market, and would be very bulky and slow compared to the USB ports generally used in phones.
- 12 headphone jacks - Phones often include a single headphone jack to allow the user to privately listen to a call, play music, etc. Twelve of them would be pointless overkill, especially given the difficulty of getting twelve people close enough to all use their headphones. Presumably joking about the constant rumours that Apple's next iPhone will not have any headphone jacks, and the weird vents on the bottom of the phone.
- Onboard cloud - The "cloud" is a catch-all term for the use of remote computers to store data, providing a backup if all local copies are lost and allowing the data to be accessed from a broad network. An "onboard cloud" would thus be a contradiction in terms, and appears to be a marketing ploy to use the "cloud" buzzword to describe the device's onboard storage capacity.
- New BrightGloTM display incorporates genetically spliced jellyfish protein (should have used the glowing genes, not the stinging ones - Aequorea victoria jellyfish contain a protein called green fluorescent protein, the gene for which has been isolated and can be used in many ways. Unfortunately, they took the wrong gene, and ended up getting one of the hundreds of proteins from jellyfish venom, which will presumably mean that touching the screen becomes a painful experience.
- ✓ Certified
- Software-defined Software-defined radios are quite popular in some areas, meaning the radio hardware is quite universal and can be adapted to different radio protocols just by changing software. SDR would actually be quite a nice feature for a cellphone.
- Exposed ductwork - A phone shouldn't even have ductwork, unless it has a very sophisticated cooling system. Exposed ductwork is a trademark of Bowellist architecture such as the Lloyd's Building in London and the Pompidou Centre in Paris. Exposed ductwork is also considered a crucial flaw in a death star.
- Voice interaction: Siri, Cortana, Google Now and Alexa respond simultaneously - These are all intelligent personal assistant software (from Apple, Microsoft, Google and Amazon respectively) and all do the same thing: control your phone and answer questions using speech recognition. Having all four talk at once would mean you'd have a total cacophony while gaining nothing.
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