2243: Star Wars Spoiler Generator
|Star Wars Spoiler Generator|
Title text: The heroes seem to be gaining the upper hand until Darth Juul manages to flip the switch on the car wash control panel from 'REGULAR' to 'PREMIUM.'
| This explanation may be incomplete or incorrect: Created by DARTH KYLE|
If you can address this issue, please edit the page! Thanks.
On December 20, 2019 (2 days after the publication of this comic), the final movie of the "Skywalker saga" of Star Wars films, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, will be released. It received a world premiere in Los Angeles on December 16, so there are lots of spoilers online, and also lots of people who want to avoid spoilers. Randall has created a flowchart that generates "spoilers" to the film, but as Randall probably has not seen the film (or, if he has, he doesn't actually want to spoil us), all of the so-called spoilers are nonsensical.
The formula for each spoiler is as follows: "In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain [villain name] with help from their new friend [friend name]. Rey builds a new lightsaber with a [color] blade, and they head out to confront the First Order's new superweapon, the [superweapon name], a space station capable of [evil plan]. They unexpectedly join forces with their old enemy [character] and destroy the superweapon in a battle featuring [strange event]. P.S. Rey's parents are [character] and [character]".
The First Order is the main antagonist group in the Star Wars sequel trilogy series. In Star Wars: The Force Awakens, they use a superweapon in their base, Starkiller Base, to destroy the planetary system housing the headquarters of the New Republic, the democratic government which was formed after the Empire's defeat in Return of the Jedi.
"Building a lightsaber" is one of the rites of passage for becoming a Jedi Knight. In the prequel trilogy, new Jedi build lightsabers as an official part of the journey towards Knighthood, and in the original trilogy, Luke Skywalker builds a lightsaber between The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi as part of his training with Yoda. Rey has used the lightsaber that Anakin Skywalker made and used (which Luke also used when he was a new Jedi) for the first two movies of the sequel trilogy, and so it would be thematically appropriate for her to build her own prior to the trilogy's final entry. Most Jedi's lightsabers are either blue or green, with a few notable exceptions (e.g. Mace Windu's purple lightsaber signifies his incredible combat prowess). Kyber crystals are aligned with the Light Side of the Force, so Sith must overpower and "bleed" their crystals before they will function for them, which causes their distinctive red color. Having a lightsaber of a color other than blue, green, or red is often seen in the Star Wars fandom as a sign of being a "Mary Sue", which is an accusation which has been made of Rey.
Another common plot point in Star Wars media is the construction, use, and destruction of a superweapon. These are inspired by stories and media of World War II, in which militaries sought to find, attack, and destroy critical elements of their enemies' resources and infrastructure, and meanwhile would construct elaborate defenses for themselves. The attack on the Death Star in particular is inspired by Operation Chastise, the "bouncing bomb" attack on Germany's hydroelectric power plants; Operation Chastise was dramatised in the 1951 book and 1955 film The Dam Busters, which was very thoroughly homaged.
Rey, one of the main characters in the sequel trilogy series is an orphan, who was left behind on the planet Jakku as a child. As Rey is Force-sensitive and adept at using a lightsaber, there is much speculation among Star Wars fans as to the identity of her parents. In Star Wars: The Last Jedi, villain Kylo Ren tells her that she is the child of "filthy junk traders", but many fans speculate that he was lying to her.
This is the second false fact generating comic, after 1930: Calendar Facts.
|Kyle Ren||Kyle Ren is one letter away from Kylo Ren, the adopted "Sith name" of Ben Solo, son of Han and Leia Solo. Kylo is one of the antagonists of the first two movies in the sequel trilogy, and presumably will be so in the third, but there's nobody in the films named "Kyle". (There are a handful of Legends characters named Kyle, most famously Kyle Katarn, protagonist of the Star Wars: Jedi Knight video game series.)|
|Malloc||Malloc is a function used in the C programming language to allocate more memory in the running of a program. Malloc may sound similar to Maul, one of the villains in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace and in other Star Wars series.|
|Darth Sebelius||Sebelius is the last name of several US people. Kathleen Sebelius is a former state representative and governor of Kansas who was Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services under President Obama. Randall may have chosen this surname as it sounds similar to Darth Sidious, the overarching villain in the first 6 Star Wars films, who is rumored to return in the upcoming film.|
|Theranos||Theranos was a medical technology company founded by Elizabeth Holmes which claimed to have developed revolutionary blood tests that could produce more data from limited volumes of blood than ever before. They were eventually found to have engaged in fraudulent activity, having tricked investors into thinking their technology was performing better than it actually was or ever could, which resulted in fines for Holmes and Theranos president Ramesh Balwani and the bankruptcy of Theranos. Theranos also sounds similar to Thanos, the main villain of the Infinity Saga in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.|
|Lord Juul||Juul is a brand of e-cigarettes. In addition to the broader controversy surrounding electronic cigarettes, Juul has been investigated for its sale of flavored additives for their cigarettes, which are alleged to be particularly attractive to minors.|
|Kim Spacemeasurer||May be a parody of the name Luke Skywalker, one of the main characters in the original trilogy of films. Other "Nounverber" names in Star Wars include Starkiller, Luke's original last name which was later applied to Starkiller Base in The Force Awakens, and Biggs Darklighter, Luke's childhood friend and fellow Rebel pilot who died in the attack on the original Death Star.|
|Teen Yoda||The Child, commonly called "Baby Yoda" by fans and the media, is a breakout character from the Disney+ series The Mandalorian. Randall envisions a "teenage" version of this character teaming up with the main characters.|
|Dab Tweetdeck||A dab is a dance move which is many decades old but was made popular by that name in the late 2010's. TweetDeck is an application for managing Twitter accounts. Taken together, "Dab Tweetdeck" could be a character name proposed by clueless Disney executives to attract "the kids" to see The Rise of Skywalker, although one would think that this name would be heavily promoted and thus not a spoiler in that case.|
|Yaz Progestin||Yaz sounds like the first name of Maz Kanata, a supporting protagonist in the sequel trilogy. Progestin is a type of medication which imitates the effects of progesterone, a female sex hormone. They are used for various purposes, including birth control, fertility, and appetite stimulation.|
|TI-83||Droids in the Star Wars universe typically have names with letters and numbers, such as R2D2, C-3PO, BB-8, etc. Randall has created a new character called "TI-83". In real life, the TI-83 is a common model of graphing calculator manufactured by Texas Instruments. This mirrors the origin of the name "R2-D2", which was inspired when Lucas was working on American Graffiti and was asked for Reel 2, Dialog Track 2, which was abbreviated "R-2-D-2". He remarked that it would be a "great name" and included it in his then-in-development script for Star Wars.|
|[beige/ochre/mauve/aquamarine/taupe]||These are different types of colors, none of which is a "traditional" color for a lightsaber. Beige is a pale-grayish yellow. Ochre is a clay earth pigment ranging from yellow to deep orange or brown. Mauve is a pale purple color. A purple color has been used for a lightsaber in the prequel trilogy series, by Jedi Master Mace Windu. Aquamarine is a blueish green color. Taupe is a dark brown color between brown and gray.|
|World Eater||Possibly a reference to Alduin, the main villain of the popular game The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.|
|Superconducting supercollider||A supercollider, or particle accelerator, is a machine used to accelerate charged particles to very high speeds, for testing in particle physics.|
|space station capabilities|
|blowing up a planet with a bunch of beams of energy that combine into one||This is how the Death Star was depicted in Star Wars: A New Hope. Many beams converged together to form one energy beam. The superweapon was used to destroy the planet Alderaan, as an intimidation tactic against Princess Leia.|
|blowing up a bunch of planets with one beam of energy that splits into many||This is how the superweapon on Starkiller Base was depicted in Star Wars: The Force Awakens. A single energy beam split into several beams, allowing it to attack many planets. The superweapon was used to destroy the planets in the Hosnian system, the headquarters of the New Republic.|
|cutting a planet in half and smashing the halves together like two cymbals|
|increasing the CO2 levels in a planet's atmosphere, causing rapid heating||This seems to have occurred on the planet Venus. Venus is 97% carbon dioxide, and is also the hottest planet in the Solar System, due to a greenhouse effect, preventing the planet from cooling.|
|triggering the end credits before the movie is done||The closing credits or end credits of a film is the list of cast and crew who were involved in the making of the film. It would be quite strange to show the end credits of the film before it has concluded. This entry is considerably less damaging than the other 4 entries in this section.|
|This transcript is incomplete. Please help editing it! Thanks.|
- Star Wars Spoiler Generator
- [Shown below is a branching flowchart of sorts that begins at the phrase "In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain...", then flows through various paths to build up a story.]
- In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain...
- Kyle Ren
- Darth Sebelius
- Lord Juul
- ...with help from their new friend...
- Kim Spacemeasurer
- Teen Yoda
- Dab Tweetdeck
- Yaz Progestin
- Rey builds a new lightsaber with a...
- ...blade, and they head out to confront the First Order's new superweapon, the...
- Sun Obliterator
- World Eater
- Planet Zester
- Superconducting Supercollider
- ...a space station capable of...
- blowing up a planet with a bunch of beams of energy that combine into one
- blowing up a bunch of planets with one beam of energy that splits into many
- cutting a planet in half and smashing the halves together like two cymbals
- increasing the CO2 levels in a planet's atmosphere, causing rapid heating
- triggering the end credits before the movie is done
- They unexpectedly join forces with their old enemy...
- Boba Fett
- Salacious Crumb
- The Space Slug
- the bottom half of Darth Maul
- Youtube commenters
- ...and destroy the superweapon in a battle featuring
- a bow that shoots little lightsaber-headed arrows
- X-Wings and TIE fighters dodging the giant letters of the opening crawl
- a Sith educational display that uses Force Lightning to demonstrate the dielectric breakdown of air
- Kylo Ren putting on another helmet over his smaller one
- a Sith car wash where the bristles on the brushes are little lightsabers
- P.S. Rey's parents are...
- a random junk trader
- Amilyn Holdo
- Laura Dern
- a random junk trader
- that one droid from the Jawa Sandcrawler that says Gonk
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