2243: Star Wars Spoiler Generator
|Star Wars Spoiler Generator|
Title text: The heroes seem to be gaining the upper hand until Darth Juul manages to flip the switch on the car wash control panel from 'REGULAR' to 'PREMIUM.'
| This explanation may be incomplete or incorrect: Created by DARTH KYLE|
If you can address this issue, please edit the page! Thanks.
On December 20, 2019 (2 days after the publication of this comic), the final movie of the "Skywalker saga" of Star Wars films, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, will be officially released to the US. It received a world premiere in Los Angeles on December 16, so there are lots of spoilers online, and also lots of people who want to avoid spoilers. Randall has created a flowchart that generates "spoilers" to the film, but as he probably has not seen the film (or, if he has, he doesn't actually want to spoil it for us), all of the so-called spoilers are nonsensical.
The formula for each spoiler is as follows: "In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain [villain name] with help from their new friend [friend name]. Rey builds a new lightsaber with a [color] blade, and they head out to confront the First Order's new superweapon, the [superweapon name], a space station capable of [evil plan]. They unexpectedly join forces with their old enemy [character] and destroy the superweapon in a battle featuring [strange event]. P.S. Rey's parents are [character] and [character]".
The First Order is the main antagonist group in the Star Wars sequel trilogy series. In Star Wars: The Force Awakens, they use a superweapon in their base, Starkiller Base, to destroy the planetary system housing the headquarters of the New Republic, the democratic government which was formed after the Empire's defeat in Return of the Jedi.
"Building a lightsaber" is one of the rites of passage for becoming a Jedi Knight. In the prequel trilogy, new Jedi build lightsabers as an official part of the journey towards Knighthood, and in the original trilogy, Luke Skywalker builds a lightsaber between The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi as part of his training with Yoda. Rey has used the lightsaber that Anakin Skywalker made and used (which Luke also used when he was a new Jedi) for the first two movies of the sequel trilogy, and so it would be thematically appropriate for her to build her own prior to the trilogy's final entry. Most Jedi's lightsabers are either blue or green, with a few notable exceptions (e.g. Mace Windu's purple lightsaber signifies his incredible combat prowess). Kyber crystals are aligned with the Light Side of the Force, so Sith must overpower and "bleed" their crystals before they will function for them, which causes their distinctive red color. Having a lightsaber of a color other than blue, green, or red is often seen in the Star Wars fandom as a sign of being a "Mary Sue", which is an accusation which has been made of Rey.
Another common plot point in Star Wars media is the construction, use, and destruction of a superweapon. These are inspired by stories and media of World War II, in which militaries sought to find, attack, and destroy critical elements of their enemies' resources and infrastructure, and meanwhile would construct elaborate defenses for themselves. The attack on the Death Star in particular is inspired by Operation Chastise, the "bouncing bomb" attack on Germany's hydroelectric power plants; Operation Chastise was dramatised in the 1951 book and 1955 film The Dam Busters, which was very thoroughly homaged by A New Hope. The original trilogy of movies only had two Death Stars, but superweapons quickly became a staple of the Expanded Universe fiction, to the point that one book had Han Solo make fun of the Empire's tendency towards building superweapons, proposing such ridiculous names as "Galaxy Destructor" and "Nostril of Palpatine".
Redemption and making allies of old enemies is also a common plot point in Star Wars. Anakin Skywalker fell to the Dark Side and became Darth Vader, but eventually returned to the Light Side to protect his son, and Han Solo was initially a morally ambiguous character who was eventually convinced to join the Rebellion.
Rey, one of the main characters in the sequel trilogy series is an orphan, who was left behind on the planet Jakku as a child. As Rey is Force-sensitive and adept at using a lightsaber, there is much speculation among Star Wars fans as to the identity of her parents. Many major characters in Star Wars have unexpected heritages of great portent, most famously Luke, who was very distressed to learn that Darth Vader did not kill his father, as Obi-Wan had told him, but is his father. In Star Wars: The Last Jedi, villain Kylo Ren tells her that she is the child of "filthy junk traders", but many fans speculate that he was lying to her.
The title text refers to the bottom option of the [strange event in battle] section. Apparently Lord Juul (or Darth Juul) is fighting the heroes in the Sith car wash. It is unclear what "flipping the switch" from Regular to Premium would do, but it seems to be beneficial to Darth Juul. A "premium" car wash usually has more features than a regular car wash, e.g. more cleaning brushes, waxing the car, cleaning the tires, etc.
This is the second false fact generating comic, after 1930: Calendar Facts.
|Kyle Ren||Kyle Ren is one letter away from Kylo Ren, the adopted "Sith name" of Ben Solo, son of Han and Leia Solo. Kylo is one of the antagonists of the first two movies in the sequel trilogy, and presumably will be so in the third, but there's nobody in the films named "Kyle". (There are a handful of Legends characters named Kyle, most famously Kyle Katarn, protagonist of the Star Wars: Jedi Knight video game series.)|
|Malloc||Malloc is a function used in the C programming language to allocate more memory in the running of a program. Malloc may sound similar to Malak, the antagonist of the Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic video game.|
|Darth Sebelius||Sebelius is the last name of several people. Kathleen Sebelius is a former state representative and governor of Kansas who was Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services under President Obama, whilst Jean Sibelius is a reknowned Finnish composer. Randall may have chosen this surname as it sounds similar to Darth Sidious, the overarching villain in the first 6 Star Wars films, who is rumored to return in the upcoming film. It is also similar to the name of Sibelius (scorewriter), a piece of music software|
|Theranos||Theranos was a medical technology company founded by Elizabeth Holmes which claimed to have developed revolutionary blood tests that could produce more data from limited volumes of blood than ever before. They were eventually found to have engaged in fraudulent activity, having tricked investors into thinking their technology was performing better than it actually was or ever could, which resulted in fines for Holmes and Theranos president Ramesh Balwani and the bankruptcy of Theranos. Theranos also sounds similar to Thanos, the main villain of the Infinity Saga in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.|
|Lord Juul||Juul is a brand of e-cigarettes. In addition to the broader controversy surrounding electronic cigarettes, Juul has been investigated for its sale of flavored additives for their cigarettes, which are alleged to be particularly attractive to minors.|
|Kim Spacemeasurer||May be a parody of the name Luke Skywalker, one of the main characters in the original trilogy of films. Other "Nounverber" names in Star Wars include Starkiller, Luke's original last name which was later applied to Starkiller Base in The Force Awakens, and Biggs Darklighter, Luke's childhood friend and fellow Rebel pilot who died in the attack on the original Death Star.|
|Teen Yoda||The Child, commonly called "Baby Yoda" by fans and the media, is a breakout character from the Disney+ series The Mandalorian. Randall envisions a "teenage" version of this character teaming up with the main characters. This may be in analogy to Groot in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, who appeared as an adult, then child, then teen, or other adaptations of original characters like the Teen Titans.|
|Dab Tweetdeck||A dab is a dance move which is many decades old but was made popular by that name in the late 2010's. TweetDeck is an application for managing Twitter accounts. Taken together, "Dab Tweetdeck" could be a character name proposed by clueless Disney executives to attract "the kids" to see The Rise of Skywalker, although one would think that this name would be heavily promoted and thus not a spoiler in that case.|
|Yaz Progestin||Yaz sounds like the first name of Maz Kanata, a supporting protagonist in the sequel trilogy. Yaz is a medication which contains Progestin, which imitates the effects of progesterone, a female sex hormone. It is used for purposes including birth control and acne treatment.|
|TI-83||Droids in the Star Wars universe typically have names with letters and numbers, such as R2-D2, C-3PO, BB-8, etc. Randall has created a new character called "TI-83". In real life, the TI-83 is a model of graphing calculator manufactured by Texas Instruments that is commonly used in American high schools. This mirrors the origin of the name "R2-D2", which was inspired when Lucas was working on American Graffiti and was asked for Reel 2, Dialog Track 2, which was abbreviated "R-2-D-2". He remarked that it would be a "great name" and included it in his then-in-development script for Star Wars.|
|[beige/ochre/mauve/aquamarine/taupe]||These are different colors, none of which is a "traditional" color for a lightsaber. Beige is a pale-grayish yellow. Ochre is a clay earth pigment ranging from yellow to deep orange or brown. Mauve is a pale purple color. A purple color has been used for a lightsaber in the prequel trilogy series, by Jedi Master Mace Windu. Aquamarine is a blueish green color. Taupe is a dark brown color between brown and gray.|
|Sun Obliterator||There was an Expanded Universe superweapon called the "Sun Crusher", which would infiltrate a star system and shoot a special torpedo into the star to make it go supernova.|
|Moonsquisher||There were no Star Wars superweapons with the word "Moon" in their title (or "squisher"), but in the no-longer-canon New Jedi Order series, Chewbacca was squished by a moon that was intentionally de-orbited by invading Yuuzhan Vong.|
|World Eater||Possibly a reference to Alduin, the main villain of the popular game The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. In the Expanded Universe, the Empire used World Devastators, massive machines that would strip-mine planets with tractor beams and make weapons and spacecraft from the extracted resources.|
|Planet Zester||A zester is a cooking tool for zesting citrus fruit, that is, scraping off the outer layer of a citrus fruit to obtain the flavorful outer layer of its skin. Zesting a planet would be devastating to anything built or living on its surface.|
|Superconducting supercollider||A supercollider, or particle accelerator, is a machine used to accelerate charged particles to very high speeds, for testing in particle physics. The Superconducting Super Collider was a proposed accelerator which was to be constructed in Texas, but was cancelled partway through construction.|
|blowing up a planet with a bunch of beams of energy that combine into one||This is how the Death Star was depicted in Star Wars: A New Hope. Many beams converged together to form one energy beam. The superweapon was used to destroy the planet Alderaan, as an intimidation tactic against Princess Leia.|
|blowing up a bunch of planets with one beam of energy that splits into many||This is how the superweapon on Starkiller Base was depicted in Star Wars: The Force Awakens. A single energy beam split into several beams, allowing it to attack many planets. The superweapon was used to destroy the planets in the Hosnian system, the headquarters of the New Republic.|
|cutting a planet in half and smashing the halves together like two cymbals||Jango Fett's "seismic charge" weapon, which he used in a dogfight against Obi-Wan Kenobi in Attack of the Clones, produced a plane wave that cut asteroids in half; presumably a larger weapon of this kind could do the same to a planet.|
|increasing the CO2 levels in a planet's atmosphere, causing rapid heating||This seems to have occurred on the planet Venus. Venus' atmosphere is 97% carbon dioxide, and it is also the hottest planet in the Solar System, due to a greenhouse effect, preventing the planet from cooling. This is also currently happening on Earth as a result of limited regulation on air pollution.|
|triggering the end credits before the movie is done||The closing credits or end credits of a film is the list of cast and crew who were involved in the making of the film. It would be quite strange to show the end credits of the film before it has concluded, although it is one of the types of credits gag used in other media. This entry is considerably less damaging to a planet than the other 4 entries in this section, but if early audiences are left unsatisfied by the movie, they might tell everyone else not to see it, which would put the Star Wars franchise in a perilous financial situation. This would negatively impact the villains as well as the heroes, but they might consider this a worthwhile trade if it is their best option at harming the heroes.|
|Old enemy/new friend|
|Boba Fett||Boba Fett is a famous bounty hunter introduced in the Star Wars Holiday Special and made popular by The Empire Strikes Back. On the Empire's orders, he helped capture Han Solo as part of a plot to capture Luke Skywalker. He later tried to prevent Luke from rescuing Han, but was knocked into a sarlacc pit, where he was presumed eaten. In the Expanded Universe, he survived and did eventually join the protagonists against extragalactic invaders; his survival has not been confirmed by Disney's new canon, but he would be a plausible character to bring back in The Rise of Skywalker. A Mandalorian (not Boba Fett, but a bounty hunter using body-armour from the same planet) is featured in the new Disney+ series, The Mandalorian.|
|Salacious Crumb||Salacious B. Crumb is a Kowakian monkey-lizard who was Jabba the Hutt's jester. He wasn't exactly a major adversary, but he did pull one of C-3PO's eyes out. He was last seen on Jabba the Hutt's sail barge, which was made to explode after Han, Luke, and the rest of the heroes escaped from it, and is presumed dead.|
|The Space Slug||In The Empire Strikes Back, Han Solo pilots the Millennium Falcon into a giant cave to evade pursuit and get time to effect repairs. He is interrupted when the cave turns out to be the mouth of a giant space slug, which the Falcon barely escapes. A giant space slug might be a powerful ally in a battle against a giant space station.|
|The bottom half of Darth Maul||Darth Maul was cut in half by Obi-Wan Kenobi at the end of The Phantom Menace. His "upper half", attached to mechanical legs, has returned as a villain in the Clone Wars TV series and Solo. Given that Maul was a Sith and Kenobi a Jedi, who trained Luke, who trained Rey, it would be extremely unexpected for his "bottom half" to join forces with the heroes, although presumably his bottom half would have to be attached to something, which might be better disposed towards Jedi.|
|YouTube commenters||The sequel trilogy has received more mixed reviews from watchers than Disney might like, and many vocal non-fans have taken to commenting on YouTube (via videos and comments) on what they don't like about the new movies and new characters. If The Rise of Skywalker fully wins the crowd, an alliance between the heroes and their former critics would be extremely powerful, but with Rotten Tomatoes showing a critics' aggregate score of less than 60% ("rotten"), it's going to be an uphill battle.|
|a bow that shoots little lightsaber-headed arrows||May be a reference to the bowcaster, a laser crossbow weapon used by the Wookie Chewbacca. It is unclear if the lightsaber-headed arrows are actually lightsabers in itself, as they would seem difficult to produce (as opposed to the Death Star, or even a bunch of sword versions of the arrow).|
|X-Wings and TIE fighters dodging the giant letters of the opening crawl||The "opening crawl" is a signature motif used in all the main Star Wars films, to explain the backstory and context of each film. X-Wings and TIE fighters are fighter-type spaceships used by the Rebels (and Resistance later on) and the Empire (and First Order), respectively. A dogfight scene during the opening crawl would involve breaking the fourth wall, as the opening crawl is not presumed to be part of the universe of the films (except when so parodied, such as in Airplane II: The Sequel).|
|a Sith educational display that uses Force lightning to demonstrate the dielectric breakdown of air||Force lightning is a power that Force users can use to generate electric energy from the user's hands. It was first used in Return of the Jedi by Emperor Palpatine (Darth Sidious) when Luke Skywalker refuses to give in to the dark side of the Force. Palpatine attempts to kill Luke with Force lightning, but Darth Vader saves Luke by throwing Palpatine down a reactor chute. Palpatine also used Force Lightning on Mace Windu and Yoda during their battles at the end of Revenge of the Sith. None of these uses of Sith lightning were intended to be educational on the nature of lightning, although they could have been very educational on the pain, cruelty, and "unlimited power!" offered by the Dark Side of the Force. This might also be a reference to sith holocron — a device to store Force-related information and secrets, possibly.|
|Kylo Ren putting on another helmet over his smaller one||Kylo Ren is famous for wearing his helmet in The Force Awakens, which he styled after Darth Vader's helmet. Putting on another helmet over it would require a comically large helmet that might be compared to Dark Helmet, a character from the parody film Spaceballs who parodies Darth Vader.|
|a Sith car wash where the bristles on the brushes are little lightsabers||While an unexpected car wash finale scene seems unlikely, it is not without precedent in cinema; Adolescence of Utena featured the title character unexpectedly entering a car wash and transforming into a car (followed by a segue into a car race sequence).|
|Rey's parent #1|
|Luke||Luke Skywalker is the main character of the original Star Wars films. Of all of the characters presented here, he is the one with the greatest likelihood of being Rey's father. When Maz gave Rey Luke's lightsaber, she said "[t]hat lightsaber was Luke's, and his father's before him, and now, it calls to you." Luke does not seem to recognize Rey as his child (or as anybody in particular), but Darth Vader did not recognize Luke or Leia as his children -- and indeed did not know that he had any living children -- until they were grown. However, unlike Anakin Skywalker, or the Luke Skywalker from the pre-Disney Expanded Universe, no canon materials have presented anyone with whom Luke has fallen in love or fathered a child.|
|Leia and Han||Princess Leia and Han Solo are the other main characters of the original Star Wars films. It is unlikely that Leia or Han are Rey's parents as they did not seem to recognize Rey in any of the sequel trilogy films, nor is there any indication that they have had more than one child (Ben Solo, AKA Kylo Ren).|
|Obi-Wan||Obi-Wan Kenobi was one of the main characters in the Star Wars prequel trilogy. He, along with Qui-Gon Jinn, discovered Anakin Skywalker, who later became Darth Vader. Kenobi dies at the end of Star Wars: A New Hope, sacrificing himself to allow Luke, Leia, and Han to escape the Death Star. Marriage and parenthood were forbidden by the Jedi Order, and Obi-Wan generally adhered to the Order's rules more closely than Anakin did; Obi-Wan did feel some mutual romantic attraction with Duchess Satine of Mandalore, but they both chose to remain in their respective organizations rather than pursue a relationship.|
|a random junk trader||This is who Kylo Ren claims that Rey is descended from: worthless, random junk traders.|
|Rey's parent #2|
|Poe||Poe Dameron is one of the main characters of the Star Wars sequel trilogy. He is a pilot in the Resistance. He is only 13 years older than Rey, and thus is most likely not her father.|
|BB-8||BB-8 is an astromech droid owned by Poe Dameron. It is unlikely that Rey is descended from a (non-living) droid.|
|[ Amilyn Holdo /Laura Dern]||Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo, portrayed by Laura Dern, was a leader in the Resistance. She dies at the end of The Last Jedi, sacrificing herself by jumping to light speed straight into the First Order's pursuing starship. Randall presents both Admiral Holdo, the character, and Laura Dern, the actress, as separate options for Rey's mother, but the former is not supported by any story material and the latter is impossible (Dern is alive here and now, not "a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away").|
|a random junk trader||(see above)|
|that one droid from the Jawa Sandcrawler that says Gonk||This is a droid from Star Wars: A New Hope that says "Gonk". As in the BB-8 entry, it is unlikely that Rey is descended from a droid.|
|This transcript is incomplete. Please help editing it! Thanks.|
- Star Wars Spoiler Generator
- [Shown below is a branching flowchart of sorts that begins at the phrase "In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain...", then flows through various paths to build up a story.]
- In this Star Wars movie, our heroes return to take on the First Order and new villain...
- Kyle Ren
- Darth Sebelius
- Lord Juul
- ...with help from their new friend...
- Kim Spacemeasurer
- Teen Yoda
- Dab Tweetdeck
- Yaz Progestin
- Rey builds a new lightsaber with a...
- ...blade, and they head out to confront the First Order's new superweapon, the...
- Sun Obliterator
- World Eater
- Planet Zester
- Superconducting Supercollider
- ...a space station capable of...
- blowing up a planet with a bunch of beams of energy that combine into one
- blowing up a bunch of planets with one beam of energy that splits into many
- cutting a planet in half and smashing the halves together like two cymbals
- increasing the CO2 levels in a planet's atmosphere, causing rapid heating
- triggering the end credits before the movie is done
- They unexpectedly join forces with their old enemy...
- Boba Fett
- Salacious Crumb
- The Space Slug
- the bottom half of Darth Maul
- Youtube commenters
- ...and destroy the superweapon in a battle featuring
- a bow that shoots little lightsaber-headed arrows
- X-Wings and TIE fighters dodging the giant letters of the opening crawl
- a Sith educational display that uses Force Lightning to demonstrate the dielectric breakdown of air
- Kylo Ren putting on another helmet over his smaller one
- a Sith car wash where the bristles on the brushes are little lightsabers
- P.S. Rey's parents are...
- a random junk trader
- Amilyn Holdo
- Laura Dern
- a random junk trader
- that one droid from the Jawa Sandcrawler that says Gonk
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