Difference between revisions of "1037: Umwelt/Transcript"

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{{TOC}}Below, you will find the full transcript of the comic [[1037: Umwelt]]. The transcript has been reordered in the order in which the comics appear in the picture and appropriate names have been given.
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{{TOC}}Below, you will find the full transcript of the comic [[1037: Umwelt]]. The transcript has been reordered in the order in which the comics appear in the picture and appropriate names have been given. You can jump to any comic using the table of contents on the right.
  
−
===The Void===
+
==The Void==
 
:[An epic void with a bright light shining right on you.]
 
:[An epic void with a bright light shining right on you.]
  
−
===Aurora===
+
==Aurora==
 
:[Cueball heading out past Megan comfortably sitting in front of a desk.]
 
:[Cueball heading out past Megan comfortably sitting in front of a desk.]
 
:Cueball: Apparently there's a solar flare that's causing some Great Aurorae. CBC says they may even be visible here! Wanna drive out to see?
 
:Cueball: Apparently there's a solar flare that's causing some Great Aurorae. CBC says they may even be visible here! Wanna drive out to see?
Line 16: Line 16:
 
:Megan: Not surprised.
 
:Megan: Not surprised.
  
−
===Aurora-US===
+
==Aurora-US==
 
:[Cueball heading out past Megan comfortably sitting in front of a desk.]
 
:[Cueball heading out past Megan comfortably sitting in front of a desk.]
 
:Cueball: Apparently there's a solar storm causing northern lights over Canada. CNN say they might even be visible {Options: "As Far South As Us", "Here in Boston", "Maine", "Ohio", "Oregon", "New York"}! Wanna drive out to see?
 
:Cueball: Apparently there's a solar storm causing northern lights over Canada. CNN say they might even be visible {Options: "As Far South As Us", "Here in Boston", "Maine", "Ohio", "Oregon", "New York"}! Wanna drive out to see?
Line 28: Line 28:
 
:Megan: Not surprised.
 
:Megan: Not surprised.
  
−
===Snake===
+
==Snake==
 
:[Two people standing next to each other. Megan is holding the head end of a snake. Depending on the width of your browser, the snake is: three frames, the third of which  has a little bit of a bump; the first frame has a human-size bump, the second has a third person looking at the snake, and the third has the snake going though two Portals; a squirrel and the human-size bump in the first frame, a ring next to the third person in the second frame, and Beret Guy riding the snake in front of the portal; or The squirrel, a fourth person within the snake being coiled, and the human bump in the first frame, the ring, a fifth person in love, and the third person in the second frame, Beret Guy and the portal in the third frame, and the same two people in the fourth frame.]
 
:[Two people standing next to each other. Megan is holding the head end of a snake. Depending on the width of your browser, the snake is: three frames, the third of which  has a little bit of a bump; the first frame has a human-size bump, the second has a third person looking at the snake, and the third has the snake going though two Portals; a squirrel and the human-size bump in the first frame, a ring next to the third person in the second frame, and Beret Guy riding the snake in front of the portal; or The squirrel, a fourth person within the snake being coiled, and the human bump in the first frame, the ring, a fifth person in love, and the third person in the second frame, Beret Guy and the portal in the third frame, and the same two people in the fourth frame.]
  
 
:Megan: I found a snake, but then I forgot to stop.
 
:Megan: I found a snake, but then I forgot to stop.
  
−
===Black Hat===
+
==Black Hat==
−
:[Two people sitting at a desk. One is Black Hat. The other is an analyst. Black Hat has a number of terminals attached to his head.]
+
:[Two people sitting at a desk. One is Black Hat. The other is an analyst. Black Hat has a number of electrodes attached to his head.]
 
:Analyst: You come across a tortoise in the desert. You flip it over. It struggles to right itself. You watch. You're not helping. Why is that?
 
:Analyst: You come across a tortoise in the desert. You flip it over. It struggles to right itself. You watch. You're not helping. Why is that?
  
−
:Black Hat: It ===knows=== what it did.
+
:Black Hat: It '''knows''' what it did.
  
 
:[View of the entire scene, with said turtle off in the distance on its back and trying to right itself.]
 
:[View of the entire scene, with said turtle off in the distance on its back and trying to right itself.]
  
−
===Too quiet===
+
==Too quiet==
 
:[A group of four scale down a wall into a field in the middle of the night. They walk off single-file.]
 
:[A group of four scale down a wall into a field in the middle of the night. They walk off single-file.]
 
:Person 1: It's quiet.
 
:Person 1: It's quiet.
Line 53: Line 53:
 
:Person 1: Fuck off, Steve.
 
:Person 1: Fuck off, Steve.
  
−
===Pond===
+
==Pond==
 
:[A landscape showing a pond, some reeds, and a range of mountains off in the distance.]
 
:[A landscape showing a pond, some reeds, and a range of mountains off in the distance.]
  
−
===Galaxies===
+
==Galaxies==
 
:[A trio of galaxies.]
 
:[A trio of galaxies.]
 
:Galaxy 1: He's not looking!
 
:Galaxy 1: He's not looking!
Line 64: Line 64:
 
:Megan: I'm just staring at your head freaked out by the fact that there are millions of galaxies *directly behind it*.
 
:Megan: I'm just staring at your head freaked out by the fact that there are millions of galaxies *directly behind it*.
  
−
===xkcd Gold===
+
==xkcd Gold==
 
:[Cueball holding bat.]
 
:[Cueball holding bat.]
  
Line 82: Line 82:
 
:[Penis Bees fly out of the beehive.]
 
:[Penis Bees fly out of the beehive.]
  
−
===Yo mamma===
+
==Yo mamma==
 
:[Cueball yells at a friend.]
 
:[Cueball yells at a friend.]
 
:Cueball: Oh yeah? Well you mama's so ''cynical'', her only dog ballast is a ''leash''!
 
:Cueball: Oh yeah? Well you mama's so ''cynical'', her only dog ballast is a ''leash''!
 
:(This comic takes place in a dystopian future where the government is afraid dogs can hover, so it requires them to wear weights at all times, and some people privately doubt the government, but not enough to stop buying dog weights.)
 
:(This comic takes place in a dystopian future where the government is afraid dogs can hover, so it requires them to wear weights at all times, and some people privately doubt the government, but not enough to stop buying dog weights.)
  
−
===Reddit===
+
==Reddit==
 
:Five seconds ago:
 
:Five seconds ago:
−
:[You sitting in front of a desk, reading a reddit thread.]
+
:[You sitting in front of a desk, reading a Reddit thread.]
−
:You: Oh, hey, reddit has a link to some XKCD april fools comic.
+
:You: Oh, hey, Reddit has a link to some xkcd April Foo<!-- don’t fix -->ls comic.
  
 
:Now: [An image of the xkcd comic page.]
 
:Now: [An image of the xkcd comic page.]
Line 100: Line 100:
 
:[DANCE PARTY!]
 
:[DANCE PARTY!]
  
−
===Buns and Hot dogs===
+
==Buns and Hot dogs==
 
:Cueball: What I wanna know is why do hot dogs come in packages of six while buns come in these huge sacks of ash and blood from which "Ave Maria" is faintly audible?
 
:Cueball: What I wanna know is why do hot dogs come in packages of six while buns come in these huge sacks of ash and blood from which "Ave Maria" is faintly audible?
 
:[Chanting sacks of gore in the background.]
 
:[Chanting sacks of gore in the background.]
  
−
===Twitter===
+
==Twitter==
 
:[A Twitter account page with the following: Many tweets, fewer following, even fewer followers, A bunch of assholes in the suggested follow box, trending topics partitioned into: Word Games, Misogyny, and Bieber, stuff your eyes automatically ignore, A really pleasant blue. and the timeline: Something about a podcast, Someone confused because the description doesn't match the link, The link you clicked on to get to this comic, Rob Delaney, Passive Aggression, and horse ebooks.]
 
:[A Twitter account page with the following: Many tweets, fewer following, even fewer followers, A bunch of assholes in the suggested follow box, trending topics partitioned into: Word Games, Misogyny, and Bieber, stuff your eyes automatically ignore, A really pleasant blue. and the timeline: Something about a podcast, Someone confused because the description doesn't match the link, The link you clicked on to get to this comic, Rob Delaney, Passive Aggression, and horse ebooks.]
  
−
===Wikipedia===
+
==Wikipedia==
 
:[There's no comic here because instead of drawing one, I spent the last hour reading every news story cited in the Wikipedia article on The Mile High Club.]
 
:[There's no comic here because instead of drawing one, I spent the last hour reading every news story cited in the Wikipedia article on The Mile High Club.]
  
−
===Google Chrome===
+
==Google Chrome==
 
:[A Chrome plugin error page.]
 
:[A Chrome plugin error page.]
 
:Chrome: This plugin requires Sergey Brin's permission to run. Please wait while he is woken.
 
:Chrome: This plugin requires Sergey Brin's permission to run. Please wait while he is woken.
  
−
===Chrome/Firefox===
+
==Chrome/Firefox==
 
:[Two people; Cueball is sitting at a desk in front of a laptop.]
 
:[Two people; Cueball is sitting at a desk in front of a laptop.]
 
:Cueball: Man, chrome's hardware acceleration really sucks.
 
:Cueball: Man, chrome's hardware acceleration really sucks.
Line 121: Line 121:
 
:Ponytail: "Firefox".
 
:Ponytail: "Firefox".
  
−
===Google Chrome-2===
+
==Google Chrome-2==
 
:[A Chrome plugin error page with the characteristic jigsaw piece.]
 
:[A Chrome plugin error page with the characteristic jigsaw piece.]
 
:Chrome: Chrome is looking for this piece. Have you seen it? Chrome thinks it links up with a corner.
 
:Chrome: Chrome is looking for this piece. Have you seen it? Chrome thinks it links up with a corner.
  
−
===Mozilla Firefox Private Browsing===
+
==Mozilla Firefox Private Browsing==
 
:[Firefox error page.]
 
:[Firefox error page.]
 
:Firefox: Well, this is embarrassing. You know how I'm not supposed to peek at your browsing in private mode? Firefox.. is sorry. Firefox will not blame you if you
 
:Firefox: Well, this is embarrassing. You know how I'm not supposed to peek at your browsing in private mode? Firefox.. is sorry. Firefox will not blame you if you
Line 131: Line 131:
 
:Click here to report this incident.
 
:Click here to report this incident.
  
−
===Internet Explorer===
+
==Internet Explorer==
 
:[IE error page.]
 
:[IE error page.]
 
:IE: Error: Internet Explorer has given up.
 
:IE: Error: Internet Explorer has given up.
  
−
===Maxthon===
+
==Maxthon==
 
:Cueball: Maxthon? Hey, 2005 called. Didn't say anything. All I could hear was sobbing. This is getting harder. Anyway, yeah, Maxthon's still cool! Didn't know it was still around!
 
:Cueball: Maxthon? Hey, 2005 called. Didn't say anything. All I could hear was sobbing. This is getting harder. Anyway, yeah, Maxthon's still cool! Didn't know it was still around!
  
−
===Netscape Navigator===
+
==Netscape Navigator==
 
:[Two different versions exist: one with Cueball talking and one with Megan with tentacle arms talking.]
 
:[Two different versions exist: one with Cueball talking and one with Megan with tentacle arms talking.]
 
:Person: Netscape Navigator? Hey, the nineties called - drunk as usual. I hung up without saying anything. This is getting harder. Anyway - it's cool that you've got Netscape running.
 
:Person: Netscape Navigator? Hey, the nineties called - drunk as usual. I hung up without saying anything. This is getting harder. Anyway - it's cool that you've got Netscape running.
  
−
===Rockmelt===
+
==Rockmelt==
 
:[Cueball running to laptop.]
 
:[Cueball running to laptop.]
 
:I ran to Rockmelt to hide my face
 
:I ran to Rockmelt to hide my face
Line 155: Line 155:
 
:NO HIDING PLACE DOWN HERE
 
:NO HIDING PLACE DOWN HERE
  
−
===Google Chrome-3===
+
==Google Chrome-3==
 
:[A chrome plugin error page.]
 
:[A chrome plugin error page.]
−
:Chrome: There does not exist --nor could there ***ever*** exist-- a plugin capable of displaying this content.
+
:Chrome: There does not exist --nor could there '''ever''' exist-- a plugin capable of displaying this content.
  
−
===Microsoft/Amazon/The Times/Google - Chrome===
+
==Microsoft/Amazon/The Times/Google - Chrome==
 
:[Chrome error page.]
 
:[Chrome error page.]
 
:Chrome: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft/Amazon/The Times/Google is a team; individual employees should ''never'' speak for the company without authorization.
 
:Chrome: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft/Amazon/The Times/Google is a team; individual employees should ''never'' speak for the company without authorization.
  
−
===Microsoft/Amazon - Firefox===
+
==Microsoft/Amazon - Firefox==
 
:[Firefox error page.]
 
:[Firefox error page.]
 
:Error: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft/Amazon is a team; individual employees should ''never'' speak for the company without authorization.
 
:Error: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft/Amazon is a team; individual employees should ''never'' speak for the company without authorization.
  
−
===Microsoft/The Times===
+
==Microsoft/The Times==
 
:[Error page.]
 
:[Error page.]
 
:Error: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft/The Times is a team; individual employees should ''never'' speak for the company without authorization.
 
:Error: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft/The Times is a team; individual employees should ''never'' speak for the company without authorization.
  
−
===Corporate - Generic===
+
==Corporate - Generic==
 
:[Error page.]
 
:[Error page.]
 
:Error: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, we work as a team; individual employees should ''never'' speak for the company without authorization.
 
:Error: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, we work as a team; individual employees should ''never'' speak for the company without authorization.
  
−
===Military===
+
==Military==
 
:[Person looking at two browser windows.]
 
:[Person looking at two browser windows.]
 
:Cueball: I know y'all know what you're doing. But if you're on a military machine and you're supposed to be watching for missiles or something, I hope you're keeping an eye on that in the background while you're reading comics. Also: Thanks.
 
:Cueball: I know y'all know what you're doing. But if you're on a military machine and you're supposed to be watching for missiles or something, I hope you're keeping an eye on that in the background while you're reading comics. Also: Thanks.
  
−
===T-Mobile===
+
==T-Mobile==
 
:[Error page.]
 
:[Error page.]
 
:Data Error: T-Mobile was unable to establish a connection
 
:Data Error: T-Mobile was unable to establish a connection
  
−
===Verizon===
+
==Verizon==
 
:[Error page]
 
:[Error page]
 
:Error: You have exceeded your Verizon monthly bandwidth cap. Mobile web browsing has been disabled.
 
:Error: You have exceeded your Verizon monthly bandwidth cap. Mobile web browsing has been disabled.
  
−
===France===
+
==France==
 
:[Two people; one of which is browsing using a laptop.]
 
:[Two people; one of which is browsing using a laptop.]
 
:Cueball: Hey, you're French, right? Ever see what happens when you type "French Military Victories" into Google?
 
:Cueball: Hey, you're French, right? Ever see what happens when you type "French Military Victories" into Google?
Line 199: Line 199:
 
:French person: You know, that'd sound smarter if you didn't pronounce it like it rhymes with "douche".
 
:French person: You know, that'd sound smarter if you didn't pronounce it like it rhymes with "douche".
  
−
===Germany===
+
==Germany==
 
:[Cueball dropping food from an unorthodox high perch.]
 
:[Cueball dropping food from an unorthodox high perch.]
 
:June 1948: In response to the Soviet blockade of East Germany, the western allies construct the Berlin Chairlift.
 
:June 1948: In response to the Soviet blockade of East Germany, the western allies construct the Berlin Chairlift.
 
:Cueball on chairlift: Food!
 
:Cueball on chairlift: Food!
  
−
===Israel===
+
==Israel==
 
:[Person on phone.]
 
:[Person on phone.]
 
:Person (Translation from Hebrew): Mom, I met a great guy! But he's not Jewish. ...Wait, what do you mean "neither are we"? I'm completely confused.
 
:Person (Translation from Hebrew): Mom, I met a great guy! But he's not Jewish. ...Wait, what do you mean "neither are we"? I'm completely confused.
  
−
===Carnot Cycle===
+
==Carnot Cycle==
 
:[Ponytail on a motorcycle with a heat-entropy graph on the side.]
 
:[Ponytail on a motorcycle with a heat-entropy graph on the side.]
 
:Ponytail: Check out my new Carnot Cycle!
 
:Ponytail: Check out my new Carnot Cycle!
Line 214: Line 214:
 
:Ponytail: Depends how cold it is outside.
 
:Ponytail: Depends how cold it is outside.
  
−
===Great Britain===
+
==Great Britain==
 
:[Illustration of the Atlantic ocean.]
 
:[Illustration of the Atlantic ocean.]
 
:American person: Sorry I don't have a comic poking fun at the UK here. I only had time to get to the most ''important'' US states.
 
:American person: Sorry I don't have a comic poking fun at the UK here. I only had time to get to the most ''important'' US states.
 
:British person: Hey - At least we have free health care and real ale.
 
:British person: Hey - At least we have free health care and real ale.
  
−
===Earthquake-Blizzard===
+
==Earthquake-Blizzard==
 
:[Two people sitting at a desk, facing each other. The desk rattles.]
 
:[Two people sitting at a desk, facing each other. The desk rattles.]
 
:Cueball: Stop jiggling your leg.
 
:Cueball: Stop jiggling your leg.
Line 239: Line 239:
 
:Cueball: Come on - it's only three more miles.
 
:Cueball: Come on - it's only three more miles.
  
−
===Earthquake-Tornado===
+
==Earthquake-Tornado==
 
:[Two people sitting at a desk, facing each other. The desk rattles.]
 
:[Two people sitting at a desk, facing each other. The desk rattles.]
 
:Cueball: Stop jiggling your leg.
 
:Cueball: Stop jiggling your leg.
Line 262: Line 262:
 
:Cueball: Thank you.
 
:Cueball: Thank you.
  
−
===Earthquake-Hurricane===
+
==Earthquake-Hurricane==
 
:[Two people sitting at a desk, facing each other. The desk rattles.]
 
:[Two people sitting at a desk, facing each other. The desk rattles.]
 
:Cueball: Stop jiggling your leg.
 
:Cueball: Stop jiggling your leg.
Line 284: Line 284:
 
:Cueball: Calm down - this is barely a category 2.
 
:Cueball: Calm down - this is barely a category 2.
  
−
===Lake Diver Killer===
+
==Lake Diver Killer==
 
:[TV Field Reporter in front of a cordoned-off lake.]
 
:[TV Field Reporter in front of a cordoned-off lake.]
 
:Reporter: Police divers searching the bay say they have recovered the body of another victim of the "Lake Diver Killer."
 
:Reporter: Police divers searching the bay say they have recovered the body of another victim of the "Lake Diver Killer."
 
:Reporter: During the search, three more divers were reported missing.
 
:Reporter: During the search, three more divers were reported missing.
  
−
===Washington===
+
==Washington==
 
:[The statue of Abraham Lincoln in the Lincoln Memorial.]
 
:[The statue of Abraham Lincoln in the Lincoln Memorial.]
 
:In this Marble Prison As in the nightmares of the nation they tried to devour
 
:In this Marble Prison As in the nightmares of the nation they tried to devour
Line 295: Line 295:
 
:Are entombed forever.
 
:Are entombed forever.
  
−
===Alaska===
+
==Alaska==
 
:[A person with a gun chasing a helicopter on the back of a wolf in a snowy Alaskan field.]
 
:[A person with a gun chasing a helicopter on the back of a wolf in a snowy Alaskan field.]
 
:Some people hunt wolves from helicopters. I hunt helicopters from a wolf.
 
:Some people hunt wolves from helicopters. I hunt helicopters from a wolf.
  
−
===Life in lab===
+
==Life in lab==
 
:[Newspaper headline.]
 
:[Newspaper headline.]
 
:Scientists/UMass Amherst students/RIT students create life in lab
 
:Scientists/UMass Amherst students/RIT students create life in lab
Line 305: Line 305:
 
:"The trick was fuckin'"
 
:"The trick was fuckin'"
  
−
===American Revolution===
+
==American Revolution==
 
:Robot Paul Revere: Remember: Zero if by land, One if by sea.
 
:Robot Paul Revere: Remember: Zero if by land, One if by sea.
  
−
===MIT===
+
==MIT==
 
:[Two people in front of a group of students.]
 
:[Two people in front of a group of students.]
 
:Cueball: I've hired a team of MIT students to count cards for us.
 
:Cueball: I've hired a team of MIT students to count cards for us.
Line 321: Line 321:
 
:Hairy: Yeah - there are actually four.
 
:Hairy: Yeah - there are actually four.
  
−
===MIT Course 15c===
+
==MIT Course 15c==
 
:[Two people in front of a group of students.]
 
:[Two people in front of a group of students.]
 
:Cueball: I've hired a team of MIT students to count cards for us.
 
:Cueball: I've hired a team of MIT students to count cards for us.
Line 334: Line 334:
 
:Hairy: Yeah - there are actually four.
 
:Hairy: Yeah - there are actually four.
  
−
===Smith/Wellesley===
+
==Smith/Wellesley==
 
:[Two people in front of a group of students.]
 
:[Two people in front of a group of students.]
 
:Cueball: I've hired a team of Smith/Wellesley students to count cards for us.
 
:Cueball: I've hired a team of Smith/Wellesley students to count cards for us.
Line 347: Line 347:
 
:Hairy: Yeah - there are actually four.
 
:Hairy: Yeah - there are actually four.
  
−
===CNU===
+
==CNU==
 
:[Person unsuspectingly strolls under a giant box trap controlled by a Trible.]
 
:[Person unsuspectingly strolls under a giant box trap controlled by a Trible.]
 
:I worry that CNU only invited me back as a ruse because they realized I never turned in my final paper and want my diploma back. But if it turns out it's for real, I'll see you Wednesday at the Ferguson!
 
:I worry that CNU only invited me back as a ruse because they realized I never turned in my final paper and want my diploma back. But if it turns out it's for real, I'll see you Wednesday at the Ferguson!
  
−
===Dana Farber===
+
==Dana Farber==
 
:[Cueball, pointing towards head.]
 
:[Cueball, pointing towards head.]
 
:Cueball: Check it out - In support of people going through chemo, I shaved my head.
 
:Cueball: Check it out - In support of people going through chemo, I shaved my head.
 
:Lots of love to everyone reading this at Dana Farber. Cancer sucks. If you are new to DFCI, there's a great little garden on the third floor of the yawkey if you need somewhere quiet to just sit for a little bit and breathe.
 
:Lots of love to everyone reading this at Dana Farber. Cancer sucks. If you are new to DFCI, there's a great little garden on the third floor of the yawkey if you need somewhere quiet to just sit for a little bit and breathe.
  
−
===Reviews===
+
==Reviews==
 
:Shopping before online reviews:
 
:Shopping before online reviews:
 
:[Cueball and Megan stand in a store. Cueball points at a lamp on the table in front of him. There is another lamp on the table behind them.]
 
:[Cueball and Megan stand in a store. Cueball points at a lamp on the table in front of him. There is another lamp on the table behind them.]

Latest revision as of 11:23, 27 October 2025

Below, you will find the full transcript of the comic 1037: Umwelt. The transcript has been reordered in the order in which the comics appear in the picture and appropriate names have been given. You can jump to any comic using the table of contents on the right.

The Void[edit]

[An epic void with a bright light shining right on you.]

Aurora[edit]

[Cueball heading out past Megan comfortably sitting in front of a desk.]
Cueball: Apparently there's a solar flare that's causing some Great Aurorae. CBC says they may even be visible here! Wanna drive out to see?
Megan: Hockey's on.
Cueball: Ok. Later.
[An expansive, marvellous image of emerald, green northern lights, floating down through the sky.]
Megan: See anything?
Cueball: No, just clouds.
Megan: Not surprised.

Aurora-US[edit]

[Cueball heading out past Megan comfortably sitting in front of a desk.]
Cueball: Apparently there's a solar storm causing northern lights over Canada. CNN say they might even be visible {Options: "As Far South As Us", "Here in Boston", "Maine", "Ohio", "Oregon", "New York"}! Wanna drive out to see?
Megan: It's cold out.
Cueball: Ok. Later.
[An expansive, marvelous image of emerald green northern lights, floating down through the sky.]
Megan: See anything?
Cueball: No, just clouds.
Megan: Not surprised.

Snake[edit]

[Two people standing next to each other. Megan is holding the head end of a snake. Depending on the width of your browser, the snake is: three frames, the third of which has a little bit of a bump; the first frame has a human-size bump, the second has a third person looking at the snake, and the third has the snake going though two Portals; a squirrel and the human-size bump in the first frame, a ring next to the third person in the second frame, and Beret Guy riding the snake in front of the portal; or The squirrel, a fourth person within the snake being coiled, and the human bump in the first frame, the ring, a fifth person in love, and the third person in the second frame, Beret Guy and the portal in the third frame, and the same two people in the fourth frame.]
Megan: I found a snake, but then I forgot to stop.

Black Hat[edit]

[Two people sitting at a desk. One is Black Hat. The other is an analyst. Black Hat has a number of electrodes attached to his head.]
Analyst: You come across a tortoise in the desert. You flip it over. It struggles to right itself. You watch. You're not helping. Why is that?
Black Hat: It knows what it did.
[View of the entire scene, with said turtle off in the distance on its back and trying to right itself.]

Too quiet[edit]

[A group of four scale down a wall into a field in the middle of the night. They walk off single-file.]
Person 1: It's quiet.
Person 3: Yeah - *Too* quiet.
[A Velociraptor is off in the distance, following the group.]
Person 4: Yeah - too *too* quiet.
Person 2: Yeah - 2quiet2furious.
Person 1: Fuck off, Steve.

Pond[edit]

[A landscape showing a pond, some reeds, and a range of mountains off in the distance.]

Galaxies[edit]

[A trio of galaxies.]
Galaxy 1: He's not looking!
Galaxy 3: Let's get him!
[Lines draw in illustrating the eye-line of one of a pair of people.]
Cueball: So he said he didn't get the text, but c'mon, he *never* misses texts. Right? ..hello?
Megan: I'm just staring at your head freaked out by the fact that there are millions of galaxies *directly behind it*.

xkcd Gold[edit]

[Cueball holding bat.]
Cueball: Sorry, but this comic
[Cueball starts to wind up.]
Cueball: requires
[Cueball prepares to strike with bat.]
Cueball: XKCD
[Cueball swings at a beehive.]
GOLD
[Penis Bees fly out of the beehive.]

Yo mamma[edit]

[Cueball yells at a friend.]
Cueball: Oh yeah? Well you mama's so cynical, her only dog ballast is a leash!
(This comic takes place in a dystopian future where the government is afraid dogs can hover, so it requires them to wear weights at all times, and some people privately doubt the government, but not enough to stop buying dog weights.)

Reddit[edit]

Five seconds ago:
[You sitting in front of a desk, reading a Reddit thread.]
You: Oh, hey, Reddit has a link to some xkcd April Fools comic.
Now: [An image of the xkcd comic page.]
Five seconds from now:
You: ..hey
30 seconds from now:
[DANCE PARTY!]

Buns and Hot dogs[edit]

Cueball: What I wanna know is why do hot dogs come in packages of six while buns come in these huge sacks of ash and blood from which "Ave Maria" is faintly audible?
[Chanting sacks of gore in the background.]

Twitter[edit]

[A Twitter account page with the following: Many tweets, fewer following, even fewer followers, A bunch of assholes in the suggested follow box, trending topics partitioned into: Word Games, Misogyny, and Bieber, stuff your eyes automatically ignore, A really pleasant blue. and the timeline: Something about a podcast, Someone confused because the description doesn't match the link, The link you clicked on to get to this comic, Rob Delaney, Passive Aggression, and horse ebooks.]

Wikipedia[edit]

[There's no comic here because instead of drawing one, I spent the last hour reading every news story cited in the Wikipedia article on The Mile High Club.]

Google Chrome[edit]

[A Chrome plugin error page.]
Chrome: This plugin requires Sergey Brin's permission to run. Please wait while he is woken.

Chrome/Firefox[edit]

[Two people; Cueball is sitting at a desk in front of a laptop.]
Cueball: Man, chrome's hardware acceleration really sucks.
Ponytail: Oh - Theres' a great add-on that fixes it.
Cueball: Oh? What's it called?
Ponytail: "Firefox".

Google Chrome-2[edit]

[A Chrome plugin error page with the characteristic jigsaw piece.]
Chrome: Chrome is looking for this piece. Have you seen it? Chrome thinks it links up with a corner.

Mozilla Firefox Private Browsing[edit]

[Firefox error page.]
Firefox: Well, this is embarrassing. You know how I'm not supposed to peek at your browsing in private mode? Firefox.. is sorry. Firefox will not blame you if you
[Button with text.]
Click here to report this incident.

Internet Explorer[edit]

[IE error page.]
IE: Error: Internet Explorer has given up.

Maxthon[edit]

Cueball: Maxthon? Hey, 2005 called. Didn't say anything. All I could hear was sobbing. This is getting harder. Anyway, yeah, Maxthon's still cool! Didn't know it was still around!

Netscape Navigator[edit]

[Two different versions exist: one with Cueball talking and one with Megan with tentacle arms talking.]
Person: Netscape Navigator? Hey, the nineties called - drunk as usual. I hung up without saying anything. This is getting harder. Anyway - it's cool that you've got Netscape running.

Rockmelt[edit]

[Cueball running to laptop.]
I ran to Rockmelt to hide my face
[Cueball sitting at laptop.]
But Rockmelt cried out -
[Laptop shouting.]
NO HIDING PLACE
[zoom out.]
NO HIDING PLACE DOWN HERE

Google Chrome-3[edit]

[A chrome plugin error page.]
Chrome: There does not exist --nor could there ever exist-- a plugin capable of displaying this content.

Microsoft/Amazon/The Times/Google - Chrome[edit]

[Chrome error page.]
Chrome: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft/Amazon/The Times/Google is a team; individual employees should never speak for the company without authorization.

Microsoft/Amazon - Firefox[edit]

[Firefox error page.]
Error: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft/Amazon is a team; individual employees should never speak for the company without authorization.

Microsoft/The Times[edit]

[Error page.]
Error: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft/The Times is a team; individual employees should never speak for the company without authorization.

Corporate - Generic[edit]

[Error page.]
Error: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, we work as a team; individual employees should never speak for the company without authorization.

Military[edit]

[Person looking at two browser windows.]
Cueball: I know y'all know what you're doing. But if you're on a military machine and you're supposed to be watching for missiles or something, I hope you're keeping an eye on that in the background while you're reading comics. Also: Thanks.

T-Mobile[edit]

[Error page.]
Data Error: T-Mobile was unable to establish a connection

Verizon[edit]

[Error page]
Error: You have exceeded your Verizon monthly bandwidth cap. Mobile web browsing has been disabled.

France[edit]

[Two people; one of which is browsing using a laptop.]
Cueball: Hey, you're French, right? Ever see what happens when you type "French Military Victories" into Google?
French person: Does it take you to an article on Napoleon?
French person: ..no? Strange, given how he kicked everyone's asses up and down Europe for over a decade.
[Beat frame.]
Cueball: Touche.
French person: You know, that'd sound smarter if you didn't pronounce it like it rhymes with "douche".

Germany[edit]

[Cueball dropping food from an unorthodox high perch.]
June 1948: In response to the Soviet blockade of East Germany, the western allies construct the Berlin Chairlift.
Cueball on chairlift: Food!

Israel[edit]

[Person on phone.]
Person (Translation from Hebrew): Mom, I met a great guy! But he's not Jewish. ...Wait, what do you mean "neither are we"? I'm completely confused.

Carnot Cycle[edit]

[Ponytail on a motorcycle with a heat-entropy graph on the side.]
Ponytail: Check out my new Carnot Cycle!
Cueball: Neat - how fast does it go?
Ponytail: Depends how cold it is outside.

Great Britain[edit]

[Illustration of the Atlantic ocean.]
American person: Sorry I don't have a comic poking fun at the UK here. I only had time to get to the most important US states.
British person: Hey - At least we have free health care and real ale.

Earthquake-Blizzard[edit]

[Two people sitting at a desk, facing each other. The desk rattles.]
Cueball: Stop jiggling your leg.
Danish: I'm not ji-.. oh!
Cueball: What!
Danish: You'll get it..
[EVERYTHING RUMBLES.]
Cueball: ..HOLY CRAP IT'S AN EARTHQUAKE!
Danish: Just a little one. Happens all the time back in San Francisco.
Cueball: But this is {Options: "Alabama", "Boston", "Chicago", "Dallas", "Georgia", "Halifax", "Illinois", "Michigan", "Minnesota", "Missouri", "the Northeast", "Ohio", "Oklahoma", "Ottawa", 'Pennsylvania", "Philadelphia", "Texas", "Toronto", "Tennessee", "New York", "Wisconsin"}! That was huge!
Danish: Seriously? That's the worst this place can do? Wow. I guess we grow up tougher in California.
Cueball: Oh really...
Six Months Later..
[Both people are trudging through a massive blizzard.]
Danish: In pictures, snow always looked so nice and sof - AAAA! MY NECK! How do people live here?!
Cueball: Come on - it's only three more miles.

Earthquake-Tornado[edit]

[Two people sitting at a desk, facing each other. The desk rattles.]
Cueball: Stop jiggling your leg.
Danish: I'm not ji-.. oh!
Cueball: What!
Danish: You'll get it..
[EVERYTHING RUMBLES.]
Cueball: ..HOLY CRAP IT'S AN EARTHQUAKE!
Danish: Just a little one. Happens all the time back in San Francisco.
Cueball: But this is {Options: "Alabama", "Dallas", "Illinois", "The Midwest", "Missouri", "Ohio", "Oklahoma", "Ottawa", "Tennessee", "Texas"}!
Cueball: That was huge!
Danish: Seriously? That's the worst this place can do? Wow. I guess we grow up tougher in California.
Cueball: Oh really...
Six Months Later..
[Both people are in a shelter in a prairie with a rapidly-approaching tornado.]
Danish: AAAA CLOSE THE SHELTER DOOR!
Cueball: Say the magic words...
Danish: THIS PLACE IS THE WORST!
Cueball: Thank you.

Earthquake-Hurricane[edit]

[Two people sitting at a desk, facing each other. The desk rattles.]
Cueball: Stop jiggling your leg.
Danish: I'm not ji-.. oh!
Cueball: What!
Danish: You'll get it..
[EVERYTHING RUMBLES.]
Cueball: ..HOLY CRAP IT'S AN EARTHQUAKE!
Danish: Just a little one. Happens all the time back in San Francisco.
Cueball: But this is {Options: "D.C", "Florida", "Houston", "Miami", "New Jersey", "North Carolina", "South Carolina", "Virgina"}! That was huge!
Cueball: That was huge!
Danish: Seriously? That's the worst this place can do? Wow. I guess we grow up tougher in California.
Cueball: Oh really...
Six Months Later..
[Both are in the middle of a hurricane. Danish is grabbing onto a signpost to avoid being swept away.]
Danish: AAAAA WHAT THE SHIIIIT!
Cueball: Calm down - this is barely a category 2.

Lake Diver Killer[edit]

[TV Field Reporter in front of a cordoned-off lake.]
Reporter: Police divers searching the bay say they have recovered the body of another victim of the "Lake Diver Killer."
Reporter: During the search, three more divers were reported missing.

Washington[edit]

[The statue of Abraham Lincoln in the Lincoln Memorial.]
In this Marble Prison As in the nightmares of the nation they tried to devour
The nanobots that constituted Abraham Lincoln
Are entombed forever.

Alaska[edit]

[A person with a gun chasing a helicopter on the back of a wolf in a snowy Alaskan field.]
Some people hunt wolves from helicopters. I hunt helicopters from a wolf.

Life in lab[edit]

[Newspaper headline.]
Scientists/UMass Amherst students/RIT students create life in lab
[Caption under picture of scientists.]
"The trick was fuckin'"

American Revolution[edit]

Robot Paul Revere: Remember: Zero if by land, One if by sea.

MIT[edit]

[Two people in front of a group of students.]
Cueball: I've hired a team of MIT students to count cards for us.
Hairy: We'll be rich!
[Hairy deals some cards while the students watch.]
[The gears turn..]
Student: Five. There are five cards.
Cueball: I see their admission standards have been slipping.
Hairy: Yeah - there are actually four.

MIT Course 15c[edit]

[Two people in front of a group of students.]
Cueball: I've hired a team of MIT students to count cards for us.
Hairy: We'll be rich!
[Hairy deals some cards while the students watch.]
[The gears turn..]
Student: Five. There are five cards.
Cueball: I *knew* we shouldn't have picked course 15s.
Hairy: Yeah - there are actually four.

Smith/Wellesley[edit]

[Two people in front of a group of students.]
Cueball: I've hired a team of Smith/Wellesley students to count cards for us.
Hairy: We'll be rich!
[Hairy deals some cards while the students watch.]
[The gears turn..]
Student: Five. There are five cards.
Cueball: We should've gone with Wellesley/Smith.
Hairy: Yeah - there are actually four.

CNU[edit]

[Person unsuspectingly strolls under a giant box trap controlled by a Trible.]
I worry that CNU only invited me back as a ruse because they realized I never turned in my final paper and want my diploma back. But if it turns out it's for real, I'll see you Wednesday at the Ferguson!

Dana Farber[edit]

[Cueball, pointing towards head.]
Cueball: Check it out - In support of people going through chemo, I shaved my head.
Lots of love to everyone reading this at Dana Farber. Cancer sucks. If you are new to DFCI, there's a great little garden on the third floor of the yawkey if you need somewhere quiet to just sit for a little bit and breathe.

Reviews[edit]

Shopping before online reviews:
[Cueball and Megan stand in a store. Cueball points at a lamp on the table in front of him. There is another lamp on the table behind them.]
Cueball: This lamp is pretty.
Megan: And affordable.
Cueball: Let's get it.
Megan Ok!
Shopping now:
[Cueball points at a lamp on the table in front of him. Megan looks at her phone.]
Cueball: This lamp is pretty.
Megan: It's got 1 1/2 stars on Amazon. Reviews all say to avoid that brand.
[Cueball and Megan are now both looking at their phones.]
Cueball: This one has good reviews.
Megan: Wait, one guy says when he plugged it in, he got a metallic taste in his mouth and his cats went deaf.
Cueball: Eek. What about- ...no, review points out it resembles a uterus.
[Cueball is still looking at his phone, Megan has hers at her side.]
Cueball: Ok, I found a Swiss lampmaker with perfect reviews. Her lamps start at 1,300 Francs and she's only reachable by ski lift.
Megan: You know, our room looks fine in the dark.
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