1549: xkcd Phone 3

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XKCD Phone 3

Title text: If you're not completely satisfied with the phone after 30 days, we will return you to your home at no cost.

This explanation may be incomplete or incorrect: First draft If you can address this issue, please edit the page! Thanks.

Explanation

This is a follow up to 1363: xkcd Phone and 1465: xkcd Phone 2. It parodies common smartphone specs by attributing absurd or useless features to a fictional phone.

• Ear screen: A strange phrase as the word screen refers to a visual artifact while the ear process sound. It may refer to the loudspeaker.
• Heartbeat accelerator:
• MobilePay money clip: While mobile pay is a form of payment involving electronic transfers via cellphone, this model includes a money clip; a way of holding physical bills together, which beats the purpose of electronic payment. Whether this is a clip that transfers money digitally or the phrase mobile pay is just a marketing tag is unknown.
• Siri, or whoever it was we put in here: A joke on intelligent personal assistants. It also jokes that Siri and the like are actual people, trapped inside of phones.
• Instead of being on surface only, screen goes all the way through:
• theknot.com partnership: Phone licensed to perform wedding ceremonies and does so at random:
• Fingerprint randomizer: Presumably randomises the user's finger print, which may or may not be inconvenient depending on the intent of the user. It is not clear whether the device will change the person's fingerprint into a human-like fingerprint that is randomly selected from all possibilities, or if it completely mangles the fingerprint of the user.
• USB E (hotswappable):
• waterproof, but can drown: Perhaps a reference to Siri or the person trapped in the phone drowning, but the phone itself staying functional.
• Foretold by prophecy: Likely mocking people on the internet who attempt to predict when Apple will release their next device.
• Runs Natively:All software in the phone will run specifically to the capabilities of the internal hardware. This would make the phone incapable of running most widely used applications from app stores, which would render it useless to most people.
• Wristband: Probably mocking trending smart watches
• Wireless discharging: Many modern cellphones feature wireless charging, which uses electromagnetic induction to charge the battery of the device. This model, apparently uses the same technology to discharge the battery; which, of course is something undesired, as one needs the battery's energy to run the phone.
• Magnetic stripe: A data storage method used by devices such as credit cards and key cards to hold and transfer smalls amounts of information like key codes. Usually cellphones don't have them as they utilize more robust and protected ways to store and transmit data. The magnetic stripe shown would also be very annoying as it seems to block part of the screen. It's also likely unusable with current magnetic stripe readers due to the phone's thickness, in contrast to that of regular cards.
• 2 AA batteries (not included): A phrase usually shown on small low powered electronic devices like remote controllers, and not on cellphones; which need to be constantly recharged for continuous use.
• boneless: Reference to meat products being boneless, i.e. having all the bones removed, making it convenient to cook or eat. Unclear why a phone would be boneless since it is mostly inedible, perhaps a reference to the person trapped inside having their bones removed to make them easier to fit inside.

The title text is a joke on guarantees and customer service. Usually the advertisement says that if the customer is not satisfied with the product, they'll refund the money and take the product back at no additional cost. In this case they guarantee the customer they'll send him/her home without charge; implying they won't fix or refund anything.

Transcript

Ear screen

Heartbeat accelerator

MobilePay money clip

Siri, or whoever it was w put in here

Instead of being on surface only, screen goes all the way through

theknot.con partnership: Phone licensed to perform wedding ceremonies and does so at random

Fingerprint randomizer

USB E (hotswappable)

waterproof, but can drown

Foretold by prophecy

Runs Natively

Wristband

Wireless discharging

Magnetic stripe

2 AA batteries (not included)

boneless

Introducing

The XKCD phone 3

we made another one

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Discussion

I assume that this is made, at least in part, in reference to the just-made OnePlus infodump and their upcoming OnePlus 2 smartphone. 162.158.2.188

Is the heartbeat accelerator used to fool fitness wristbands? Or apps? Or ... ? sirKitKat (talk) 07:56, 10 July 2015 (UTC)

"Ear screen" may refer to a different meaning of "screen" - a device that protects you from something, as in "sun screen". In this case, the "ear screen" would block the sound of the phone's speakers, making it useless (at least for telephony). 08:02, 10 July 2015 (UTC)~~ thepike

I thought it was a name change like those of beret guy, repurposing words to stay accurate without using the correct/standard term.Athang (talk) 09:54, 10 July 2015 (UTC)

I'm puzzled by the "ear screen" explanation: On old wired telephone handsets, the speaker grille was sometimes referred to as an "earpiece screen" or "protective ear screen" in the user manuals, so I just assumed that it was a common feature being pointlessly touted as if it were exclusive (common practice on iOS & Android device packaging & promotional material). 108.162.221.95 19:53, 14 July 2015 (UTC)

Doesn't running natively just mean that it runs apps natively instead of emulating them or something. Which would be a pointless marketing term OR it implys that the phone itself or the person inside runs.108.162.249.192 10:53, 10 July 2015 (UTC)

I did some re-writing on that point (because the likes of the Java Virtual Machine-type solution is a half-way house that needs mentioning, between 'native' and 'emulated'), but it's a bit long. Also I briefly mentioned the Crusoe chip essentially a 'hardware virtual machine layer' (over and above the machine-code to micro-code one that doesn't bear mentioning due to the ubiquity), but not sure I described it well enough. At the time, the talk was that a Crusoe chip could end up (by sofware flag or magic 'autodetection') run x86/Intel-compatible or Motorola (Apple) or DEC Alpha instruction sets (and probably any other sets they could squeeze in, whether CISC or RISC, like Acorn's ARM) without any software emulation at all. Of course, that was the time when programs didn't so heavily rely upon an OS's own API for pretty much all resources (at least on single-user machines), which is in effect an additional Virtual Machine layer, and the whole computing business has gone in a different direction, even Apple temporarily played with the PowerPC platform model.

...Yeah, that's no shorter than my in-article edit, is it? 141.101.98.252 13:44, 10 July 2015 (UTC)

Wireless discharge: I think the explanation is too complicate. Every cellphone (and every other device that uses batteries) does discharge without a wire, it is just normal. The joke (in my eyes) is here that no-one would advice with that. --DaB. (talk) 11:43, 10 July 2015 (UTC)

Here's an idea: a phone that discharges it's power wirelessly into another device.(unlikely that this is what it means though)108.162.249.166 12:39, 10 July 2015 (UTC)

• How about a phone that discharges it's battery into another human? I'd buy that (provided I could control when and whom.) 141.101.88.224 13:54, 10 July 2015 (UTC)
• knowing the previous xkcd phones: it isn't going to be controllable 108.162.249.166 11:41, 11 July 2015 (UTC)

Could "Boneless" be a play on words against the jawbone devices?108.162.219.203 13:12, 10 July 2015 (UTC)

The second xkcd phone comic had the phone being "Ribbed"... Perhaps that's what "boneless" is talking about? 108.162.242.84 20:20, 12 July 2015 (UTC)

Boneless might probably refer to Ivar the Boneless, a Viking leader who invaded Britain in 865 — an allusion to Harald Bluetooth, another Viking, king of Denmark and Norway. --141.101.64.113 20:52, 14 July 2015 (UTC)

Does the title text seem to imply to anyone else that the customer may have been abducted for testing? Schiffy (Speak to me|What I've done) 17:13, 10 July 2015 (UTC)

A runaway pacemaker ("heartbeat accelerator") probably wouldn't cause a heart attack. A heart attack is the interruption of blood flow to the heart muscle. A runaway pacemaker could cause a lethal tachycardia -- 2,000 beats per minute is documented and hearts don't do well at that rate... Andrew (talk) 19:24, 10 July 2015 (UTC)

Could "heatbeat accelerator" be a reference to an indicator light? Or am I the only one who gets a bit excited when I see my phone LED flashing indicating I have a friend out there who remembered I exist? 108.162.225.105 23:04, 12 July 2015 (UTC)

I completely agree with 108...105. When I first read the comic my first thought was that the heartbeat accelerator was the LED indicator light. I can recall getting quite nervous sometimes when waiting for a text back from my girlfriend, all that much amplified when something comes in. Robodoggy (talk) 01:32, 15 July 2015 (UTC)

The first xkcd phone comic also mentioned that the phone can drown. It said something like, "Don't submerge phone; it will drown."108.162.216.141 03:20, 11 July 2015 (UTC)

I have to protest the idea in the explanation that a screen "all the way through" would leave no space for the actual workings of the phone. I owned an original Nexus 7, which I took apart after the kids dropped it in the bath. All of the controlling circuitry was in a thin layer *around* the screen surface, not below it. Below it was mostly battery, and presuming it takes AA batteries it wouldn't have a giant LiIon. It's not an absurd notion at all that a phone could have nothing behind its screen. 108.162.216.59 11:30, 11 July 2015 (UTC)

I would actually like a phone running on 2AA (Or better, AAA) batteries. Not a smartphone, just a basic phone. I wouldn't want the other features though... -- 141.101.104.67 15:38, 11 July 2015 (UTC)

• Based on my experiences with wireless microphones, which I think probably consume batteries at a similar rate as dumbphones do (the reason I think this is because the main thing powered by the battery in both devices is the wireless transmitter), you'd get maaaaybe 5-6 hours of battery life from each pair of AA batteries. Less if they were AAA - for alkaline batteries, the smaller they are, the quicker they die.108.162.216.141 01:59, 12 July 2015 (UTC)
• I am struggling to say this without sounding mean, but... 141.101.104.67 must be someone over 50 years old? I never hear anyone younger desiring alkaline pile cell slots in modern devices unless they are older & miss the convenience of interchangeable batteries using standardized sizes. I think standardizing flat-pack dimensions for lithium-ion batteries could be of great benefit to the consumer & the environment in general. Far too many batteries & charger accessories become deprecated by external layout changes that are not required by the advancements made within the cells. Older folks remember being able to get a fresh battery just about anywhere. Even at the elevated price of high capacity rechargeable lithium cells, I think consumers would love being able to buy a fresh battery when theirs is low or failing. 108.162.221.95 19:53, 14 July 2015 (UTC)
• There is a standard for Li-ion batteries named 18650. Size comparison: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2a/Liion-18650-AA-battery.jpg 108.162.246.191 (talk) (please sign your comments with ~~~~)

"It would also make little sense for the OS itself to be non-native..." The first few versions of MacOS for PowerPC and PalmOS for ARM were largely emulated 68k code, with only the most performance-critical or central code ported. It was presumably faster to build a 68k emulator than to port everything. (And of course this meant that existing third-party drivers, extensions, etc. continued to work for a few years after the transition, but that could have been done separately--e.g., Mac OS X 10.4 on Intel could use some kinds of PowerPC drivers, even though the OS itself was purely Intel.) Also, the NT and OS/2 DOS environments, WOW and WOW64, OS X's early "Classic", etc. are all arguably emulated systems (you may be running x86 code natively on an x86, but the BIOS, memory mapped hardware, EMS, etc. are all emulated). 162.158.255.52 09:00, 28 September 2015 (UTC)

I believe that the reference to "Surface" refers to the "Microsoft Surface", touch sensitive hardware and software technology.199.27.129.155 23:02, 4 December 2015 (UTC)

Aren't there lithium AAs? would -> should; thin -> fine; meat or fish -> flesh; boneless, -> boneless;; physical -> real; themselves -> whoself; their -> whose; physically -> ; will -> shall; described -> related; charging," -> charging",; thickness -> coarseness; him/her -> whom; something. -> something?; wire, -> wire;; it's -> its; protest -> contest; dumbphones -> doltphones; quicker -> sooner; folks -> folk; MacOS -> Mac OS; faster -> swifter -> shorter; purely -> sheerly; systems -> systems.; you -> You; ). -> .) Lysdexia (talk) 18:24, 25 July 2019 (UTC)

I saw the title text as "if you're not fully satisfied, I guess we shouldn't keep you prisoner anymore"