3247: Particle Census

Particle Census

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Title text: Remember, your answers to the physics census are confidential; we will not be issuing Pauli exclusion principle citations.

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Explanation

This is one of 44 incomplete explanations: This page was created at an INDETERMINITE TIME. Don't remove this notice too soon. If you can fix this issue, edit the page!

This comic references the Heisenberg uncertainty principle of quantum mechanics. Put simply, it states that there's a limit to how precisely we can know both the position and momentum of a particle — the more precisely we know one, the less we know the other. Megan says they're taking a census of the positions of all particles in the universe, so they'll be known precisely; therefore, all their momenta will be unknowable. And by the time we use the census results, we won't know where any of the particles are, we'll just know where they were at the instant their positions were recorded by the census.

In the United States, the Constitution mandates that a population census of people living in all the states be taken every ten years. This is primarily for the purpose of apportioning representatives to Congress, but it has come to be used for many other demographic purposes. There's no legal requirement for a decennial physics census; if physicists want to do this, it's their own decision. However, it's not really possible to measure the positions of all particles in the universe, as there are a lot of particles in the universe, and many are quite far away.^{[citation needed]} And unless the particles happen to be at absolute zero, they will be moving, potentially quite fast. So it would be a needlessly difficult census.

In the third panel, someone speaks up and is worried about what they will do with the particles in the potential “disruption”. Randomly taking someone’s particles and relocating them would be considered unpleasant,^{[citation needed]} even if you tell them where the particles are going.

The title text refers to the Pauli exclusion principle, which states that no two fermions — types of particles that include all ordinary matter — can occupy the same quantum state. As the results of the census are confidential, physics officials will not use it to determine whether to issue citations for particles that violate the exclusion principle. This confuses physical laws, which describe how the universe works and by their nature cannot be violated, with societal laws, which declare what is allowed or required by the government.

Trivia

When this comic was uploaded the normal sized image was incorrectly 2x size. It still shows up at 2x size on unixkcd.

Additionally, "indeterminate" is spelt "indeterminite" in the second panel text.

Transcript

This is one of 40 incomplete transcripts: Don't remove this notice too soon. If you can fix this issue, edit the page!

[First Panel. Megan is standing at a lectern, presumably talking to an audience.]

Megan: Remember, Tuesday is the decennial particle census.

Megan: Physicists will be recording the location of all particles in the universe.

[Second Panel. Zooms out to show the stage Megan is on]

Megan: Of course, this will cause their momenta to become indeterminite, so please plan for some disruption.

[Third Panel. An audience member pipes up from off-panel.]

Audience member: Wait, disruption? Where will my particles go?

Megan: No one can say, but you'll know exactly where they were.

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Discussion

The 'standard' and '2x' sized images had unexpected sizes, so an imagesize parameter has been added to render the image consistently with other comics on this website. See the web archive for more details. --TheusafBOT (talk) 18:54, 18 May 2026 (UTC)

should've been bigger 😒 Caliban (talk) 22:01, 18 May 2026 (UTC)

GRAMMATICAL ERROR! Should there be a category for grammar mistakes (Example 1662: Jack and Jill, where there was a grammar mistake.)? YZ100 22:20, 18 May 2026 (UTC)

Indeterminite? Location (singular)? 197.185.221.9 04:20, 19 May 2026 (UTC)

'Indeterminite' isn't a grammatical error - it's a spilling error. 82.13.184.33 08:47, 19 May 2026 (UTC)

Oh, the irony. He means 'spelling error.' Was that intentional? SomebodyElse (talk) 11:06, 19 May 2026 (UTC)

In most civilized countries the census process is historically used to plan the sizing of public infrastructures (schools, hospitals, water and electricity infrastructures, waste disposal facilities, used water treatment, and all that sort of seemingly unimportant things). It does not surprise me that in the US it is primarily used as a political instrument, however. 2001:861:3F07:A020:CBE1:3BDB:88F9:709A 23:28, 18 May 2026 (UTC)

"sizing of public infrastructures (schools, hospitals, water and electricity infrastructures, waste disposal facilities, used water treatment, and all that sort of seemingly unimportant things). […] primarily used as a political instrument" – i agree with the sentiment (not just for the US) but/and that is pretty much a definition of what politics is (should be) by a list of examples. 2A00:20:6346:8265:F4E8:8C7:66E:1D5 08:21, 19 May 2026 (UTC)

"if physicists want to do this, it's their own decision." Not if the universe is deterministic. 82.13.184.33

Can someone find all the other comics where quantum principles are mentioned? I am fairly sure the Foxtrot one during Guest Week was one of those. SomebodyElse (talk) 11:06, 19 May 2026 (UTC)
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