Title text: Changes with this update: If you use the combined scan-shred function, it now performs them in that order instead of the reverse, saving a HUGE amount of CPU time.
| This explanation may be incomplete or incorrect: Created by THOSE PERFORATED EDGE STRIPS THAT ARE SO FUN TO TEAR. Needs an explanation of what all the functions do. Maybe give possible reasons to why Randall created this comic? Do NOT delete this tag too soon.|
If you can address this issue, please edit the page! Thanks.
This is an xkcd-style parody of an all-in-one printer, a printer which typically can perform several functions, usually printing, scanning, copying, and faxing. This machine starts off with fairly standard printer functions but quickly becomes absurd. The machine is accordingly oversized, making room for all the status indicators and (presumably) the extra internal parts required to accomplish the uncommon functions.
The title text says that the machine now scans things before trying to destroy them. Previously the machine destroyed documents and then scanned the pieces and tried to reconstruct them, which takes a large amount of processing power. It raises the possibility that this printer is a complex computer in itself, or that its driver can monopolize a host computer.
List of functions
Functions that most all-in-one printers do
- Print: The most common function that a printer needs to do.
- Copy: A copy function allows a user to place a document on the printer and the printer will make a copy of the document.
- Fax: A fax function sends a scanned document by telephone to another telephone number. The receiver fax machine will reconstruct the document and print it. A machine that has this function is usually also able to act as a receiver for faxes sent from elsewhere, though that setting wouldn't be visible in this configuration group.
- Scan: A scan function is used to optically scan images or documents into digital forms so that they can be used by computers.
- Collate: To sort multiple copies of printed documents into sequences of individual page order, one sequence for each copy, especially before binding.
- Staple: To staple together multipage documents, especially for each collated copy. The printer is also capable of removing staples, presumably from stapled packets that are intended to be scanned.
Functions that relate to printers, that most printers cannot do.
- Shred: A shredder function is used to destroy paper for privacy or security by cutting it into strips or fine particles.
- Translate: If the paper text is in another language, this would, presumably translate it for you. This would actually be a helpful function and may be available on recent printers.
- Perforation This is probably a reference to a type of continuous stationery. The paper in question had perforated strips with holes along the sides which a spiked wheel would use to feed it through the printer. Then once it was printed out you would tear off the strips for a clean looking page.
Paper Functions Completely Unrelated to Printing
- Summarize: Presumably this function would summarize a printed material for the user. Unclear how useful this would be.
- Plagiarize: This function is unclear. Maybe it would plagiarize a paper for a certain subject? It would also be legally questionable.
- Roll: This function is unclear. Perhaps it would roll up paper into a roll, like how newspaper is rolled up for distribution by paper boys.
- Burn: Perhaps the printer has this function for greater assurance that sensitive information will be irretrievably destroyed. Historically, some printers could be at risk of catching fire if they jammed in a particular way, and so the "lp0 on fire" error code was created to signal that it should be investigated urgently.
- Eat: A printer is often said to "eat" paper by mangling either the input or output. Printer failure is also the modern descendant of the classic excuse for late homework, "the dog ate my homework".
- Fold airplane: This function makes paper airplanes out of paper stored in the printer.
- Origami flower: Similar to the previous one, this function makes flowers using the origami paper folding process.
- Corrugate: Corrugated fiberboard or cardboard is a kind of crinkled paper sandwiched between two sheets. This provides structural strength for a low weight. Printers that jam can produce paper that looks corrugated, but this is not an intended function, and corrugated fiberboard is not made with printers.
- Paper-mâché: (Literally "chewed paper") is a composite construction material consisting of paper pieces, bound with an adhesive, often a flour paste. Shredded paper, partially eaten, would give a similar result (and any leftovers could be composted).
- Découpage: An art form where paper printed with decorative images is glued onto an object (typically boxes, but also furniture) and covered with many layers of varnish, so that the images appear painted onto the object.
- Notarize: A notary public is a person certified by a government to attest that certain kinds of legal documentation are legitimate and executed. All-in-one printers and scanners may be able to recognize certain signs of legitimacy (e.g. the EURion constellation), but unless this printer has some tactile sensation, it cannot distinguish between a legitimate form and a reproduction as a human can.
- Biodegrade: This would biodegrade the paper. Whether this would send this to an organic waste plant (which would be helpful) or actually house a composter inside the printer (which would be gross) is unknown.
- Crumple and throw at trash like basketball: Many people, when done with a piece of paper, will crumple it up and throw it into a trash can, as if playing basketball.
|This transcript is incomplete. Please help editing it! Thanks.|
- [A large printer-like machine, with the label All-in-one Paper Processor on the top left it. There are three columns of functions, with a few of them having a green light. In the bottom right of the machine, is a long hole, which appears to be a scanner]
- Column 1
- Print (lighted green)
- Fax (lighted green)
- Collate (lighted green)
- Column 2
- Staple (lighted green)
- Remove staples
- Add those perforated edge strips that are so fun to tear
- Coulumn 3
- Fold airplane
- Origami flower
- Notarize (lighted green)
- Crumple and throw at trash like a basketball (lighted green)
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