1625: Substitutions 2

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Substitutions 2
Within a few minutes, our roads will be full of uncontrollably-swerving cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery dogs.
Title text: Within a few minutes, our roads will be full of uncontrollably-swerving cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery dogs.

Explanation

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This is a sequel to 1288: Substitutions, but there have been several comics using substitutions both before and after that comic.

In this table, Randall suggests substituting several common phrases in generic news with similar or related phrases that mean something different for comical effect. Some of the replacements are synonyms, some are antonyms, and some are plain different concepts, but they would make a grammatically correct sentence. The resulting idea would, however, often sound absurd or bizarre.

Some of the examples might, also, mock the fact that many news contradict the actual facts or obvious results of a situation. (e.g. "[influential person] vows to do good to the world" would be replaced with with a more usual fact "[influential person] probably won't do good to the world" - see example below with North Korean leader...)

The title text is an example of how the closing sentence of a given article or report might sound - see example below.

Table of substitutions

  • In this table the difference between the original and the substituted word (and the change to the sentences) will be explained.
Original Substitution Explanation
Debate Dance-off
Self driving Uncontrollably swerving Self driving cars were also mentioned in 1623: 2016 Conversation Guide where it was stated that they would come surprisingly soon (within a few minutes according to the substitutions suggested here). But until they are safe it might be better to mention them as uncontrollably swerving cars?
Poll Psychic reading Poll can be many thing, but given the political issues in this comic it is likely referring to opinion or exit polls. As these are basically a qualified guess at the future result of an election, this is Randall's way of saying that they could just as well have used a psychic person to predict the election result.
Candidate Airbender A candidate usually refers to a political person who represents a certain political party. He would then be that parties candidate, for instance for a presidential election. Airbender refers to the show Avatar: The Last Airbender, where there are waterbenders, earthbenders, firebenders and airbenders.
Drone Dog
Vows to Probably won't
At large (or At-large) Very large
Successfully Suddenly
Expands Physically expands
First /second /third-degree Friggin' awful (see frigging)
An unknown number Like hundreds
Front runner Blade Runner
Global Spherical
Years Minutes
Minutes Years
No indication Lots of signs
Urgedrestraint by Drunkenly egged on
Horsepower Tons of horsemeat

Example of sentences

  • Here follows some real examples with links to the news/text:
    • Words from the list, and the replacement words are highlighted with bold font.
    • All words are included at least once, and the list is sort of sorted after the order the words appear in the comic, but most sentences have more than one word from the list, on purpose!
  • Original sentence: Fifth Republican debate: where each candidate excelled and faltered
Modified sentence: Fifth Republican dance-off: where each airbender excelled and faltered
  • Original sentence: A new Morning Consult poll shows real estate mogul Donald Trump remains on top as the GOP frontrunner following Tuesday’s debate.
Modified sentence: A new Morning Consult psychic reading shows real estate mogul Donald Trump remains on top as the GOP blade runner following Tuesday’s dance-off.
Modified sentence: North Korea’s Kim probably won't raise living standards
  • Original sentence: Murderers and rapists among 1,153 criminals still at large after being recalled to prison over the last 30 years
Modified sentence: Murderers and rapists among 1,153 criminals still very large after being recalled to prison over the last 30 minutes
Modified sentence: Pakistan suddenly tests first indigenous armed dog
Modified sentence: Obama Physically Expands Gun Controls in Executive Moves
  • Original sentence: There was no indication of first degree familial relationships in the analyzed dataset.
Modified sentence: There was lots of signs of friggin' awful familial relationships in the analyzed dataset
  • Original sentence: …rescue crews continued to collect bodies and interview survivors, including an unknown number of wounded languishing in homes and hospitals with third degree burns
Modified sentence: …rescue crews continued to collect bodies and interview survivors, including like hundreds of wounded languishing in homes and hospitals with friggin' awful burns
Modified sentence: The Republican presidential blade runner faces a spherical firestorm
  • Original sentence: U.S. presidential candidate Barack Obama on Friday urged restraint by both Russia and Georgia in the conflict over the breakaway region of South Ossetia in Georgia.
Modified sentence: U.S. presidential airbender Barack Obama on Friday drunkenly egged on both Russia and Georgia in the conflict over the breakaway region of South Ossetia in Georgia.
  • Original sentence: Video: 52-Horsepower Citroen AX Laps Nurburgring In Under 10 Minutes
Modified sentence: Video: 52-Tons of horsemeat Citroen AX Laps Nurburgring In Under 10 Years

Transcript

[Caption above the panel:]
More
Substitutions
That make reading the news more fun
[A table of words/sentences on the left that change in to those on the left. Between each set of words there is a gray arrow pointing from right.]
Debate ➜ Dance-off
Self driving ➜ Uncontrollably swerving
Poll ➜ Psychic reading
Candidate ➜ Airbender
Drone ➜ Dog
Vows to ➜ Probably won't
At large ➜ Very large
Successfully ➜ Suddenly
Expands ➜ Physically expands
First/second/third-degree ➜ Friggin' awful
An unknown number ➜ Like hundreds
Front runner ➜ Blade runner
Global ➜ Spherical
Years ➜ Minutes
Minutes ➜ Years
No indication ➜ Lots of signs
Urged restraint by ➜ Drunkenly egged on
Horsepower ➜ Tons of horsemeat


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Discussion

See previous discussion for browser plugins, scripts, bookmarklets etc. at 1288:_Substitutions [sven]

Can someone update the plugin for Chrome that does the word swaps? :3 Also swap it for upgoerfive-nounsInternational Space Station (talk) 15:11, 4 January 2016 (UTC)

The Title Text should read "...uncontrollably-swerving cars", not "...uncontrollably-swerving cats". But I don't have the heart to change it.

Neither do I... 173.245.54.55 16:14, 4 January 2016 (UTC)(Daniel)
Actually, if you applied the 1288 substitutions it would be uncontrollably-swerving CATS.

Ok, I just checked the log, and it was added here, "(cur | prev) 15:11, 4 January 2016‎ 141.101.104.7 (Talk)‎ . . (+1,212)‎ . . (undo)" by the person who added the transcript, obviously I don't know if this was deliberate, though I suspect it was. Either way I think it is very funny and we should leave it. 173.245.54.55 16:14, 4 January 2016 (UTC)(Daniel)

How many of them can be used? "Like hundreds of civilians received friggin awful burns after a not very sudden dog attack Tuesday. After spherical outrage, the blade runner of presidential airbenders probably won't drunkedly egg it on the future."162.158.114.222 16:20, 4 January 2016 (UTC)


huh...nothing for 'campaign' or 'voters'...also, the 'uncontrollably-swerving cats' is probably a victim of the first substitution filter that changes 'cars' to 'cats'162.158.56.227 17:06, 4 January 2016 (UTC)

"The suspect is currently very large" -Pennpenn 108.162.250.162 22:45, 4 January 2016 (UTC)

after loading this into the browser plugin I noticed a loop caused "physically expands" to become "physically physically physically physically physically expands" and I began pondering whether the adding of extra physically-ies made the word intensify. Then I wondered why someone would need to intensify the acknowledgement of physicality. Then I looked at my hands, like REALLY looked at my hands. Beastachu (talk) 00:18, 5 January 2016 (UTC)

As a small note, "No indication ➜ Lots of signs" would actually create quite a few grammatically incorrect sentences. 108.162.241.133 01:19, 5 January 2016 (UTC)

This page looks interesting when you do the replacements on it http://i.imgur.com/dg0bzw9.png - Gradient (talk) 09:47, 5 January 2016 (UTC

The 'dog -> drone' relation could also be a referance to a Half-Life 2 robot called "Dog". This "drone" helps the protagonist, Dr. Freeman, with tasks that could otherwise not be completed by humans, much like todays drones. 197.234.243.234 (talk) (please sign your comments with ~~~~)

The substitution is one-way, for example "years" becomes "minutes", but in the example, the substitution is backwards. 134.255.101.92 (talk) (please sign your comments with ~~~~)

At large just means unconfined. It gets hyphenated when it gets made part of a noun. So you can have, for example, editor-at-large. It is not reserved solely for fugitives and politicians 162.158.39.23 13:05, 31 August 2019 (UTC)

Spherical firestorm sounds awesome172.70.230.157 23:47, 23 February 2023 (UTC)

Murder Dogs 172.69.7.150 13:37, 12 April 2024 (UTC)

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