2976: Time Traveler Causes of Death

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Time Traveler Causes of Death

Title text: Many a hungry time traveler has Googled 'trilobites shellfish allergy' only to find their carrier had no coverage in the Ordovician.

Explanation

This explanation may be incomplete or incorrect: Created by a TIME TRAVELLING BOT WITH NO CELL SERVICE IN THE PROTOZOIC ERA- Please change this comment when editing this page. Do NOT delete this tag too soon. If you can address this issue, please edit the page! Thanks.

Time travel is a common sci-fi/fantasy plot, in which someone from one era is sent forward or backward in time to another era. Normally, the travel itself goes off without a hitch, with the usual threats to the time traveler being what happens at some point after they arrive at their destination. More rarely, a time traveler might immediately encounter some hazard because of where their time travel method has deposited them.

This comic takes the latter situation to the extreme, observing different causes of death for potential time travelers through the ages based on the geologic evolution of Earth from its formation over 4 billion years ago to the present; see detailed explanation in the table. The chart shows only the most likely cause for a given period of time, although the title text reveals that there may always be others possible.

The title text suggests that an alternative fate within the "eaten by fish" era is the exact opposite - eating something hazardous. A time traveler, having fortuitously avoided the primary "Starving" fate of the prior era, may try eating a trilobite, a kind of shellfish. They may find that either some existing allergy is triggered by this prehistoric shellfish, or that the creatures of that age spark a new allergic condition that (as a modern human) they were not previously aware of. A person with a known allergy might check for the possible presence of a problematic ingredient in a potential snack by referencing online resources - a facility that is not available here, with the smartphone stuck in the past, long before any network is available to connect to (notwithstanding that Google Search has not existed historically for more than three decades). Alternatively, suspecting the food they've eaten has not agreed with them, they could find they are denied easy access to the best online information on how to properly treat their symptoms.

Table of death causes

Cause of death	Time frame	Explanation
Lava	Earth Forms	During the formation of the Earth, the surface was a hellish landscape of lava.[citation needed]
Asphyxiation	4 billion years ago	Before cyanobacteria started photosynthesizing and producing oxygen, the atmosphere of the Earth was mainly composed of hydrogen sulfide, methane, and carbon dioxide. Humans need oxygen to breathe.[citation needed]
Meteors	3.9 billion years ago	During the hypothesized Late Heavy Bombardment, the Earth's surface was subjected to a large number of asteroid and comet impacts, destroying much of Earth's early crust. According to the table, the heavy bombardment was so severe that this was the most likely cause of death during a period when there where still no oxygen. Even when these meteors came at an alarming rate, however, the chance of being hit by one of these before asphyxiation in an atmosphere without any oxygen seems remote. Of course if the time machine had some oxygen along with it and the reason people died from lack of oxygen was that they stayed there for a long time, the chance of death-by-meteor would increase.
Asphyxiation	3 billion years ago	See above.
Slightly slower asphyxiation	2 billion years ago	Cyanobacteria had started photosynthesizing, leading to the Oxygen Catastrophe, but oxygen levels still weren’t high enough to support human life.
Freezing	Less than 1 billion years ago	During the Cryogenian Ice Age, the Earth’s temperature fell to -12°C, much too cold to support human life if not properly prepared.
Starving	600 to 485 million years ago	During this time, the temperature was mild and comfortable; however, the only life during this time was single-cell organisms and – especially later – tiny multicellular organisms, which humans cannot eat or would not tolerate.
Eaten by fish	485 to 250 million years ago	During the Great Ordovician Biodiversification Event and subsequent times, fish evolved jaws and some species grew quite large.
Trampled	252 to 66 million years ago	The Mesozoic Era is often called the “Age of Dinosaurs." The majority of these dinosaurs were herbivorous and many were quite large, so being eaten would be less likely than being trampled on. Note that this is an almost exact inversion of what happens in the classic story A Sound of Thunder, in which the traveler survives personally unscathed but tramples an 'age of dinosaur' creature (to unfortunate effect).
Eaten by mammals	66 million years ago to sometime before now	The Cenozoic Era, which began 66 million years ago, is often referred to as the "Age of Mammals". Though some eras have more likely causes of death (such as wars, but that would basically be during the "Now" period in the table), overall being eaten by large mammals is probably the biggest risk.
Time machine door gets stuck	Roughly present day	As the timeline approaches the present day, the conditions on Earth become more than suitable enough for a human time traveler to survive extended periods of time — as evidenced by the fact hominids and early humans begin to emerge. As such there's nothing else more likely to kill them than getting stuck in the time machine and starving (or, if the time machine is air-tight, asphyxiating). This assumes the Time Machine is also a Faraday Cage (that can block the signal of an emergency call) or the traveler doesn't take their phone with them, although the title text indicates they will. Or that the "Now" period extends back before cell phones and compatible cellular networks, maybe covering the entire period of human civilization.

Transcript

[A chart with a time line going from top to bottom is shown. Starting when the Earth forms and ending at present day. The chart is a rectangle divided into 11 segments. Each segment has a label written inside it, except the bottom which is too thin, thus the label is to the right of the chart with an arrow pointing to the segment. The left side of the chart is a timeline with ticks and labels for the time period. At the top an arrow points to the top left corner of the chart with a label indicating the starting time. And then there are 5 ticks, the first four equidistant and then only half the distance for the last tick. A final label is at the bottom of the chart. Above the chart there is a heading:]

Top causes of death for time travelers by geologic era:

[Text in the table from the top, with the time to the left differentiated from the labels which are indented:]

Earth forms

Lava

Asphyxiation

4 billion years ago

Meteors

Asphyxiation

3 billion years ago

2 billion years ago

Slightly slower asphyxiation

1 billion years ago

Freezing

Starving

500 million years ago

Eaten by fish

Trampled

Eaten by mammals

Now

Time machine door gets stuck

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Discussion

How'd I do for my first 'explanation?' I know it's short...Onestay (talk) 17:56, 23 August 2024 (UTC)

I added to it. It's a good start. 172.69.134.191 17:57, 23 August 2024 (UTC)

Please sign your comments Onestay (talk) 18:01, 23 August 2024 (UTC)

How's this 127.0.0.1 18:24, 23 August 2024 (UTC)

added a table 42.book.addict (talk) 18:20, 23 August 2024 (UTC)

added a very necessary "citation needed" thingy - it's traditional PaulEberhardt (talk) 08:40, 24 August 2024 (UTC)

I, sometime this century, tripped over a story about a poor fucker who died because he couldn't get out of his Tesla. Turns out iirc that in the foot place in the back is a !!under! the carpet emergency lever that opens the doors. Iirc for no battery power to open the doors to get out of a Tesla you have to rip thecarpet out of the backseat footwell to find the emergency door open lever. I don't recall lawsuits. 172.70.174.195 01:45, 27 August 2024 (UTC)

Shouldn't there be a thin line for "meteor" just below "trampled", if the time traveller lands during the Chicxulub impact event? Barmar (talk) 18:56, 23 August 2024 (UTC)

Probably a mistake on Randall’s part. He might correct it later (he’s updated other comics before), but unless you have a magic red telephone that reach his personal number right now, all we can do is wait (or add it to the Explanation/Trivia). 42.book.addict (talk) 19:20, 23 August 2024 (UTC)

For sure not a mistake. Only one day in the entire history of Earth you would die directly from the impact. But the heavy bombardment there would be many days this would happen. Although I just updated the table saying that asphyxiation would still go much faster than waiting for such a meteor. I'm certain that Randall would not update the comic for that. Mainly he updates if he has made a spelling mistake that could alter the meaning or has forgotten some part of a drawing that might seem important. And these events are rare.--Kynde (talk) 08:47, 24 August 2024 (UTC)

He might even go back and correct it before he makes it.172.70.86.173 08:34, 27 August 2024 (UTC)

"Meteors" doesn't refer to "the impact" that killed the dinosaurs, it refers to the bombardment period, where the atmosphere was heated to furnace temperatures... No waiting necessary; the impacts were constant for thousands of years. Technically it'd be the heat, not the impacts, that'd kill you, but the heat was a direct result of megatons of debris making atmospheric entry on an ongoing basis. (For a fun fictional description of such a phenomena, check out 'Seveneves' & take the ending with a huge block of salt.)

ProphetZarquon (talk) 03:32, 25 August 2024 (UTC)

Was the Chicxulub aftermath at all sufficient for "thousands of years" of 'aftershock' impacts? (Or at least enough to make a line on the comic, essentially the same marker as the Cretaceous–Paleogene boundary layer is, geologically.) There were long-term climate effects, but by "bombardment" you seem to refer more to the Late Heavy Bombardment 'Meteors'. From "Seveneyes", which I haven't yet read but I have a general idea of the setup, you're effectively invoking a rerunning the aftermath of the Theia impact (4.5b years ago) in that much of the impact mass/broken Earth that had not at that time fallen back to Earth is now doing so.

To be thorough, showing thin lines for various "Traps" (like the Deccan ones, coincidental and maybe or maybe not coincidental with Chicxulub, or the Siberian ones) where vulcanism and/or climate might be a very brief (geologically speaking) alternative to the surrounding non-volcano and non-climate 'primary threat'. But it's funnier, as it is, glossing over such transient issues. 172.69.43.245 04:12, 25 August 2024 (UTC)

Yeah, Chicxulub was much later than the last major bombardment period, & relatively brief even compared to the shorter ice ages, whereas the bombardment period was basically hell on earth for a very long time... Then again, given the number of species that died out after Chicxulub, even looked at over a million year period or more (anything less than 10 MY would be a bit hard to represent at the scale shown), I do think somewhat indirect results of the "dino-killer" impact(s), such as increased volcanism & climate shift & food chain disruption, which occurred because of such impact, should be counted all as one cause of death, in the context of this chart; I guess Randall didn't agree, though?

ProphetZarquon (talk) 14:46, 25 August 2024 (UTC)

I didn't think that the Cryogenian Ice Age was cold enough to be an immediate threat to a typical human, especially if that human was wearing winter clothes, just a long-term threat (mostly due to food). 162.158.41.68 21:09, 23 August 2024 (UTC)

Given asphixiation issues could be avoided by taking along appropriate breathing apparatus (and other life-saving solutions may exist for other periods), or just by not leaving your 'tardis' machine (with its airtight door, as hinted at, which may only be a problem if you can't open it again upon return), I think we're talking of essentially unprepared travel to these other times.

Maybe without a machine (or without taking it with you, given the comic indicating there is one). Not realising what you're walking into, like stumbling through a swirling time-wedgie or being blasted through time, might be the primary reason to become a time-traveler. And the everyday Joe that finds themselves doing that out of ignorance is mostly unlikely to have been pre-prepared for any such trip.

Or otherwise explain the stuck-door of the 'now-ish' era as being you generally would survive most now-ish trips (assuming you didn't do something like land in WW2 directly under a bomb or become captured by people who would be highly suspicious of your digital watch and your lack of valid id), or not actually going anywhen at all, then your death causes could be headlined by something really trivial like being stuck in a cupboard that forms the basis of the time-machine. (Or a wardrobe... Which I wouldn't put past being Randall's actual reference, on past form.) 172.69.43.174 22:50, 23 August 2024 (UTC)

It's not that hard to die of hypothermia in modern winters. Surely that's more likely during an ice age. And the claim isn't that you're really likely to die from these things, just that they're the most likely cause of death at the time. Barmar (talk) 03:28, 24 August 2024 (UTC)

Seems like the entire idea dwells on the fact that you do not think about going back to the present when realizing you are in a dangerous place. If there are air in the time machine then you should have time to go back before dying of the lack of oxygen. But of course if you land in lava it may be too late. What if you went further back and ended in a gas cloud. Would you die of lack of oxygen as well? Guess the actual biggest problem about time travel, if they where possible, is you also have to travel vast distances in space, since Earth has moved quite a bit no matter if you travel 1 hour into the past or a million/billion years. You would end up in empty space unless you also could travel very long distances through space... Sun moves around the galaxy so wont matter going a year back since the Earth are still not back to where it was. And the galaxy also moves... --Kynde (talk) 08:47, 24 August 2024 (UTC)

The door is stuck, and you seem to assume the poor traveler is stuck /inside/. I would rather scream for the time police to save me if I am stuck /outside/ in this crappy age :-) 172.69.109.54 08:37, 24 August 2024 (UTC)

For all the times xkcd has focused on raptors and how to prevent predatory raptor attacks, I'm disappointed that "Trampled" is the main concern for travelers going to the Mesozoic Era. TCMits (talk) 14:00, 24 August 2024 (UTC)

Maybe the Mesozoic raptors also just tended to get trampled? Only in the modern day are raptors free from the threat of trampling and thus to become a threat to Randall. Especially if the present-day threat is a merely a stuck door. It all fits because, when it comes to things like doors, raptors are known to be Clever Girls! 141.101.98.79 00:12, 25 August 2024 (UTC)

Disappointing that Randall hasn't set out the main threats when time travelling to future periods, so that we know what to prepare for.141.101.98.86 08:41, 27 August 2024 (UTC)

"Future: If not Morlocks, then Eloi.” Or, if not either, your future self! 172.71.26.60 12:31, 27 August 2024 (UTC)