1679: Substitutions 3
Title text: BREAKING: Channing Tatum and his friends explore haunted city
This is the third comic in the Substitution series where Randall has suggested substitutions that will make reading the news more fun. This time it will be even more fun! But there have been several comics using substitutions both before and after these ones.
The series as of 2023:
The title text in original form would be "Scientists explore ancient city", which most would consider a fairly bland headline. Two days before this comic came out, there was news that a potential ancient Mayan city had been found by a 15 year old boy through satellite imagery, which may be what Randall was referencing. The Mayan city has now been proven nonexistent. Imagining Channing Tatum and his "friends", and pretending that the city is haunted, provides a much more dramatic setting mirroring many episodes (and later films) of Scooby Doo featuring a gang of friends (Mysteries, Inc.).
Table of Substitutions
|A social mistake, faux pas
|A form of sorcery
|Occupied by ghosts, spirits, etc., spooky
|Featuring a lot of popular celebrities
|Full of blood, or a place where a lot of violent deaths occurred
|Remains to be seen
|Unknown as of yet, speculative
|Will never be known
|Can never be determined, final statement indicating we've given up trying to understand, etc.
|Way to kill werewolves
|In werewolf folklore, a silver bullet was usually the only way to actually kill a werewolf. The phrase "silver bullet" is usually used to mean something like "perfect solution" — this substitution suggests the more literal meaning of the phrase.
|A network of underground tunnels for commuter trains
|Tunnels I found
|A more personal and colloquial way to refer to underground tunnels, as though they had just been discovered for the first time.
|Surprising (but not to me)
|The speaker/writer claims that everyone else is surprised by something, but they had anticipated it all along.
|War of words
|Public arguments, smear campaigns, etc.
|A major conflict involving the civilizations of multiple planets (as seen in e.g. War of the Worlds). ("Well, that escalated quickly.")
|Anxiety, conflict between people or groups
|Situation in which two or more people attempt to avoid acknowledging being sexually attracted to each other.
|A guarded statement of optimism about a situation
|Firmly believing something in spite of clear evidence to the contrary
|Popular sci-fi TV series about time travel
|The Big Bang Theory
|A different TV comedy series about scientifically-gifted and socially awkward friends.
|To make a politician more popular and more likely to win an election
|To collect virtual creatures in a popular video game series
|Behind the headlines
|Usually, to go into greater depth on a news story
|Beyond the grave
|To communicate with (or experience) life after death
|Email / Facebook post / Tweet
|All are forms of electronic communication. The last two are forms of social networking.
|An artistic form of writing that usually involves rhyming and meter.
|At time of writing, Mark Zuckerberg
|Any generic person. Sometimes used in a derogatory fashion, or to refer to one's self.
|The most recent in a series
|The last entry in a series (as in, there won't be any more).
|Interrupt, temporarily hinder
|Make completely inoperable, remove all trace of, etc.
|A gathering of people to discuss a topic, as in business
|Ménage à trois
|One or more sex acts performed among three people.
|A group of people considered authorities in various scientific realms of study
|Channing Tatum and his friends
|A famous actor and a group of people closely associated with him. The name was likely chosen at random.
|You won't believe
|A catchphrase used in "click-bait" headlines to attract attention and traffic
|I'm really sad about
|A different catchphrase expressing disappointment in the topic
Real life examples
- Remains to be seen ➜ Will never be known
- Cautiously optimistic ➜ Delusional
- Silver Bullet ➜ Way to Kill Werewolves
- Tension ➜ Sexual Tension; Meeting ➜ Ménage à Trois
- Gaffe ➜ Magic Spell
- Ancient ➜ Haunted
- Star-Studded ➜ Blood-Soaked
- Subway system ➜ Tunnels I found
- Surprising ➜ Surprising (but not to me)
- War of Words ➜ Interplanetary War
- Tension ➜ Sexual Tension
- Doctor Who ➜ The Big Bang Theory
- Win votes ➜ Find Pokémon
- Behind the headlines ➜ Beyond the grave
- Email / Facebook Post / Tweet ➜ Poem
- Facebook CEO ➜ This guy
- Latest ➜ Final
- Disrupt ➜ Destroy
- Scientists ➜ Channing Tatum and his friends
- You won't believe ➜ I'm really sad about
- [Caption above the panel:]
- Even More
- That make reading the news more fun
- [A table of words/sentences on the left that change in to those on the left. Between each set of words there is an arrow pointing from right.]
Gaffe ➜ Magic spell Ancient ➜ Haunted Star-Studded ➜ Blood-soaked Remains to be seen ➜ Will never be known Silver bullet ➜ Way to kill werewolves Subway system ➜ Tunnels I found Surprising ➜ Surprising (but not to me) War of words ➜ Interplanetary war Tension ➜ Sexual tension Cautiously optimistic ➜ Delusional Doctor Who ➜ The Big Bang Theory Win votes ➜ Find Pokémon Behind the headlines ➜ Beyond the grave Email \ Facebook Post ➜ Poem Tweet / Facebook CEO ➜ This guy Latest ➜ Final Disrupt ➜ Destroy Meeting ➜ Ménage à trois Scientists ➜ Channing Tatum
and his friends
You won't believe ➜ I'm really sad about
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